Saturday, September 10, 2016
Thirty three - Here they all come
I constructed a plan to allow me to start construction work immediately, with the plan mostly consisting of constructing a plan to just go ahead and start construction right away. Figuring out how to do this obviously look a little time, but after only an hour or two I had a brain wave - and then I took my head out of the microwave and just decided to start doing it, and where by 'it' I mean follow through on the plan I had constructed, where in this case the 'plan' consisted mostly of just starting the construction.
Soon I was deep into it. I had work to do, and I had to do it NOW, and I had a BIG headache, so that also meant I wanted to get it over and done with NOW, and in a BIG way.
First I needed BIG forearms, luckily earlier that day I had cut my forearms out and replaced them with tire rubber I stole from a car in the carpark. This was later going to cause me BIG trouble, obviously, as it turned out it was the car I'd been given earlier, and I was going to have to put on the spare and get the old one fixed, which took three hours out of one of my days off. Dicks. But for now the new forearms were perfect. If I'd ever seen anyone else with them I'm sure I'd have started a trend.
Next step was building some lovely fire places. Some dick had spilled a huge fish-tank all over the floor, so I thought better of trying to get a fire going there, and decided instead to build them on the ceiling, luckily this was perfect, as I could still only look up, and Iceland's way up anyway, unless you're somewhere further north than Iceland, in which case it's down there, but after an hour or so reading a book called 'Employee Evaluations' in the restaurant library I became convinced that if there had have been an atlas I could have figured out where we were, and I bet it would be south of Iceland. I mean when I spat the spit went DOWN, not up, and landed right on the face of the woman in picture with that weirdo who was hanging around the library early.
Next I had to install the all ice floors, which turned out to be easy, as some genius had already spilled a huge fish-tank on the floor, leaving it all wet, so all I had to do was kneel down on it, which was easy as I'd recently started a trend by having my knee caps replaced with knee berets, so it was soft, and then all I had to do was imagine the icy reception I planned to give Kev next time I saw him. Which made me feel sad that our friendship faced a brief blip. And when I'm sad I hide in walk-in freezers. And when I hide in walk-in freezers I get scared of the dark so I leave the door open. And after only a few hours the whole restaurant, floor included, had frozen.
My tooth was throbbing hard now, so I knew I was in danger, danger of making this spectacular! I just had to keep going.
I made the menus out of plastic that looked edible, so no one would have to feel bad about accidentally inferring that they planned to eat the menu, yet I made sure to leave fragments of cockroach flesh in the mix, so most would probably only eat two or three menus before deciding to eat the restaurant food after all.
NOW I used my keen observation skills to observe that in life lots of times people aren't that observant, and therefore they may be dumb, BIG time dumb, but at our restaurant we wouldn't make them feel that way, we'd treat people RIGHT, so luckily I was able to invent a desert that I coined 'an ancient Chinese cookie of wisdom', which were brilliant for several reasons, such as:
- I invented them
- They were wise
- They were purely Icelandic (as this was now an ALL Icelandic restaurant, so they had to be)
- They were FRESH and NEW and super original
- Because I invented them
Then I hung curtains in front of every doorway, how could we possibly treat people as right as they deserved if they didn't feel trapped inside for hours on end under fear of dealing with a fight with a foe as brutal as a curtain? Treating people right takes time!
All I needed now was whales, for their bones, flesh, husks, lips, gallbladders, excellent company, friendly demeanors, teeth, imagination, and because they were BIG, and every restaurant needs something BIG, and most of them need it NOW!
Luckily all of my blood all over the place from my stomach wound had began to attract sharks - which attracted killer whales - which attracted other whales to see what the fuss was - which attracted a team of scientists - which attracted the media - whom the sharks then ate - which made the scientists hungry - which made them look around for something to eat - which made the whales nervous - which reminded the scientists of trying to talk to girls - which made them sad - which made them want to eat even more - which made the whales even more nervous - which made the scientists feel sort of sorry for them - so they quickly developed an artificial whale product that scientifically made exact whale replicas without ever needing to hurt a single whale - and by launching it in this restaurant we promised to eradicate world wide whaling!
Next I just needed to know what would happen next, and luckily I had my sketchbook of 'Things I suspect will probably happen next, and that suspicion is often sourced by clues, therefore I'm probably right' visual diary - and as I consulted it I used my keen powers of observation to observe that in all the drawings I had done in the last hour or so I had a smile on my face. This was good. This was very good. And by 'very' I meant 'extremely', and by 'good I meant 'not bad'. Yep we were in for a BIG morning, and the sunrise out the window suggested morning was NOW!
To be fin*
*which is short for 'finished', to save the time typing the whole word 'finished' out
*By the way, before I finish, have I mentioned how good scientists are?
*They're really* good, that how good they are!
*And by 'really' I mean 'really, really'.