Friday, June 10, 2011

Back in context

Now its time to play a little game I like to call “back in context”. Hell Yeah!

Well known and celebrity type people like to sometimes like to complain that they get quoted out of context well I’m the type of dude who likes to do shit different so I prefer to put stuff “Back in context”. I like to call this game “Back in context”, which is something that I mentioned earlier but I didn’t mention before that this is all about putting things “Back in context” if you know what I mean.

Here is an example:

Kim Kardashian was quoted this week saying “I love my bum”!

Wow, that’s great, love is awesome, I have been told by people who have enjoyed it, apparently a lot of people enjoy this “phenomenon” wow, it’s a phenomenon now, and I am still left out, that means you name shit wrong you wankers!

Unfortunately for Kim the entire quote was:

“I love my bum, one time I was loving it so much that in the middle of a pie eating contest I was distracted and found myself fingering out my bum right in front of everyone”.

Really Kim, that’s fucking awful, you were in a pie eating competition? Those are so wasteful. I hate pie waste. On the other hand, you finger your own bum, hell yeah, I did that once, awesome! Also the rhyme, that’s pretty awesome, rhyme is awesome, it’s like ballsome, only better, because nothing that rhymes with awesome is worth shit.

You see how this works? I make a truth into an insult to a celebrity back into an insult of myself. It’s like “Back in context” only more like “how awesome is this?”

Here is one I prepared earlier.

Emma Watson was quoted this week about her lack of a love life saying:

“Guys are intimidated by me”

Really, guys are intimidated by a freaking gorgeous, super successful “holy crap you can have any guy you want just pick who you want” kind of girl. It’s pretty tough, but then again consider the entire quote:

“Guys are intimidated by me. I just want to meet a nice guy who regularly beats off to Harry Potter One”

Oh my god, Emma? That’s wrong man. A few days ago I beat off looking at a freaking gorgeous picture of you in a pink sports bra after you’d been to the Gym and I did not think about Harry Potter One, because I’ve never seen it, I instead thought “Wow I wish every girl on earth was watching me masturbate right now so they’d see that guys don’t actually like the whole ‘makeup’ made up shit as much as we like the real you” that’s how “Back in context” more superior I think I am over you, and here I am making up paedophiliac thoughts of yours? What’s wrong with you?

Here is a brilliant one, so brilliant that I have to invent a new word for super brilliant that I am coining as we speak “cutoffdenimlikethrow”!!!!!!! Oh fuck, I fucked up that coining, stupid stupid stupid Dave, then again this really is pretty fucking still pretty cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!!:

Lindsay Lohan was quoted saying:

“I’m totally clean”.

Awesome Lindsay, that’s awesome, almost “cutoffdenimlikethrow” awesome (it’s growing on me, this word may take off after all)!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you, if you get clean then you’re only “getting talent” away from getting the success you deserve, i.e. way less that you’ve enjoyed, but holy cutoffdenimlikethrow did you fuck up when I realised that the full quote was:

“I’m totally clean…ing this mirror before I snort coke off it, one time I snorted up some Oreo cookie dust, and let’s just say that wasn’t an attractive sight, you know, because I’ve never been attractive”.

Wow, Lindsay? Why say something like that about yourself? Snorting coke is epic-ally beautiful, your face and body is gross, but your lifestyle, wow, so sexy. Of course think in mind this real quote from me:

“I’d pound Lindsay Lohan once for every freckle on her ass!”

Keep in mind the last person I tongue kissed was when I got mouth raped by a guy named Oscar, and that was months ago, so that’s pretty shit for me to have as a reality.

Blake Lively had nude photos this week and this week is also apparently dating known homosexual Leonardo DeCaprio because he likes having “beards”, and is “really famous” and is “really talented” and Blake Lively “really needs credibility” but Leo probably should be all like “I like cock and acting” cause who gives the slightest shit AND matters. Also that Weiner bloke did some shit related to cock, the very thing that Leo likes!!!!! That’s cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!! I wish I had a quote about it I like, but I “Back in context” don’t.

“That’s lazy Dave”.
“Yes it is David”.

Also Jennifer Love Hewitt, the very actress I have been in love with since I first saw her as “Sarah” on “Party of Five” and still love despite her cutoffdenimlikethrow crazy thoughts on engagement rings and vagina adornment (she’s cutoffdenimlikethrow for them, where as I am totally cutoffdenimlikethrow against them) yet that smile man, holy fuck that smile) I am cutoffdenimlikethrow a smile guy by the way and she has a cutoffdenimlikethrow smile, and also she was revealed this to be the rotten tomato websites:

“Worst reviewed actress of all time”

Sorry reviewers but I’d still bone her – take that all you people who always tell me my standards are too high! But I will never tell why (holy fuck that cutoffdenimlikethrow smile is fucking gorgeous).

Quote by Dave:

“What did I say ‘cutoffdenimlikethrow” was supposed to mean again?

The “back in context” quote was:

“People don’t like me but I’m fine with it….. because I’m going to drown my sorrows with a three week sex marathon with David Tieck”

Holy shit!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH, fucking cutoffdenimlikethrow YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hey Dave?
Yeah David?
Who “actually” wrote that quote?
I did.
That’s you, not her!

UHOUGUGO OH dhc fucking bullshit man, bullshit! Why can’t “I” meet a lovely girl, and get that “love” people talk about, they’re all like “I “cutoffdenimlikethrow love, I love it so much I’d pound it once for every freckle on its ass!”

Fuck em!

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