Sunday, September 26, 2010

Sometimes you just can't stay silent forever

Little known fact: If the ‘day’ was a flavor it would be a raspberry sorbet with a vanilla custard topping, although it would be utterly unpalatable due to ‘raspberry’s’ cruel, unreasonable and utterly arrogant use of the silent ‘p’, and frankly it just makes me mad.

Sometimes there is nothing I can do but sit around and think ‘this day would be delicious, if it wasn’t for that bloody p’, and other days I am having an awesome day not even thinking about raspberry and their lies when I will horribly come into contact with someone with a stutter trying to ask me something while being perfectly polite about it but end up saying ‘p-p-p-p-p please….’ And I’ll be like ‘great give the perfectly polite people afflictions like stutters while greedy con-artists get to walk around with the gift of the gab’ and then I’ll be all like ‘gift of the gab, what an ironically poorly crafted use of language we choose to use to suggest someone has been blessed in the ability to use their talking en like with voice en that’ and I’ll be so mad that a few weeks later while I am ranting on and on about the unfairness of it all and find myself repeating the ‘p-p-p-p-p please’ bit I’ll suddenly be like ‘raspberrys you scum, do you know where you’re silent ‘ps’ end up? I hope you die!’

Fear not though. For your days do not have to be affected as mine once were. Hell Yeah I did, I came up with a solution to the tragic situation of having your day ruined.

It’s quite simple really.

Anytime you feel like you are having a day that is being damaged in someway, raspberry related or not, merely abolish one awesome thing from your life and replace it with something even more awesome.

For example – last Thursday I was really pissed off because it turned out that I have to call a coffee table a ‘coffee’ table even if I never use it for resting mugs of coffee on them FORCING me to be prejudice against magazines, beer caps and for some reason as I speak a golf tee. That’s not nice at all. Frankly I could complain a lot about this but lets just say this – if we refuse to say ‘beer cap table’ for fear of insulting coffee what happens when the coffee gets all big-headed and haughty and we need to pull it down a notch and ask for beer caps help. I’ll tell you what happens – they WON’T help. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in.

So I am all pissed off and I remember my own remedy – abolish one awesome thing from my life and replace it with something even more awesome. So I did it.

That’s right, I abolished something awesome from my life – my regular trips to train stations to complain that their roof height policies are viciously prejudice against giants and that perhaps the fact we hardly ever see giants walking down city streets is due to their inability to fit onto the trains robbing us mere ‘normal’ sized humans of wonderful ‘I saw a giant the other day’ anecdotes.

And I replaced this with something even more awesome – re-enacting the nightly news from seventeen days ago for sick kids using only stick figure cartoons and the use of make up free mime, just to let the kids know how much better things have gotten since seventeen days ago. You know, still wars and stuff, but way more stick figure cartoons and make up free mime now. And the kids fucking love it – there all like ‘oh, gee, here comes that stick figure cartoon and mime with no use of make up guy’.

And you better believe it fixed my day right on up. Take that coffee!!!!!

By the way, speaking of prejudice I don’t think we will ever, ever abolish prejudice until we abolish the word ‘abolish’. It just sounds so damn delicious.

‘This chocolate vanilla cream cake comes abolished with a rich creamy caramel sauce’

Mmmm, abolish.

Also speaking of abolishment, you know that A-bomb? That’s the first ever bomb given a grade of ‘A’ before it had ever even been used. And then we wonder why it was such an arrogant asshole (both A words – coincidence yes, which is like an aberration, and the fact ‘aberration’ is an A word is one of the main signs that the dictionary is full of secret information – like ‘paidle’ – what the hell does that mean? Ohhhh conspiracy).

Do you know that before the A-bomb exploded it made Japanese kids give it their lunch money? Arrogant asshole!!!

Still we should have known. We should have predicted. We should have sensed. We should have seen. We should not have made the mistakes we made. We should have guessed from the beginning that bombs would turn out to be bad.

Sure it would have been easy to think that all those explosives, and the huge phallic form that they were built in the image of clearly stated they would only be used for charitable candy like goodness, but the clue that they held a secret was right there wasn’t it?

Bomb – SILENT B.


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