Please squeeze my buttocks

After two nights of tiny amounts of sleep I had a lovely sleep last night, and I realized some things as I woke up this afternoon.


I love everything about waking up, except trying to convince my eyes to open, getting out from under warm blankets, and wondering why I slept cuddling a pair of my own underpants.


The phrase ‘too much cheese’ is the same as the Mormon god. While technically it might exist if you go around telling people you believe in it they’ll rightly call you crazy.


A Christmas tree is the same as a kite. Both are perfectly acceptable weapon choices in an ‘I hope I lose’ fight.


Nightmares are the same as broken fingernails, either one will give you an excuse to take the day off murder college. Yet still murder college? Come on guys, why not do something more positive and awesome at school, like a pottery course? Everyone enjoys misshaped mugs more than mug shots. Think about it please.


Women are like donuts. The holes may be the least delicious parts, but I’m still hungry! Mmmm gluttonous sexual innuendo, yummy.


Bricks are the same as spotlights. Throw either at a plane and either airport security has fucked up, or you can FLY!!! That’s so cool.


T-shirts are like babies. If you hang them on wire hangers you risk leaving them misshapen. Still who can be bothered buying nice cribs or wooden hangers when the wire ones are so often abundantly free?


Memories are like disco balls. If you spend hours looking at them from every possible angle there is a good chance you’re alone, drunk and extremely happy.


Regrets are like penises. They’re most fun after you’ve embarrassed yourself in efforts to hide them in warm moist holes.


I meant rabbit holes after a rainstorm!!! Get your minds out of those dirty places people. I mean regrets in vaginas? How would that even work?


And now a message from an older yet still vain tube of toothpaste:


Please, please start squeezing my buttocks, my breasts are sore and hollow while my bum is round and bulging, I don’t want my toothbrush to leave me for another tube.


Damn those fresh young plump untouched virgin toothpaste tubes. Selling their virginity in supermarkets and convenience stores. Full of unsullied white, green and blue striped guts just willing to spill them on any toothbrush who pays them even the slightest bit of attention. ‘In my day single colored guts were considered beautiful ok!’


I hear some of these young tubes will even spill their guts on various toothbrushes in their lives! Sometimes more than one toothbrush even on the same night! Where are the parents?


The damn young and their lack of crusty, gooey build up around their lips, ‘they’re signs of life and gaining wisdom you young whores!’


Sometimes I just wish my ass would be rolled up and destroyed, just so I could experience being top heavy and firm one more time before my time passes on. Is that wrong?