Thursday, October 7, 2010

Hey mirror, take a good look in the mirror, you asshole

If you ask me mirrors are the most elitist, discriminatory objects in the world. And the worst kind too. Think about it, mirrors spend by far the most time looking at the vain!

What kind of object decides to choose, of all people, vain people to look at? I’ll tell you what kind, assholes. Just the same kind of assholes who work for magazines claiming to empower women while simultaneously filling their pages with models and airbrushed lies! (Little known fact: The chief editor of Cosmopolitan Magazine was a mirror when she was a little girl – and she spent so much time looking at a really fucked-up Vain woman that the little mirror became this evil person! Can you believe how elitist mirrors have to be to not just look at the vain, but eventually take their form!)

Still we should know better. Mirrors have magic powers that we all see and choose to ignore. They have the power to make the non-stereotypically beautiful feel ugly. To make women cover their faces in overly gooped-up make-up that is in no way attractive to men. Of course we all know they are sexist too, spending way more time looking at women than men. Those bastards. Thank-god we don’t have mirrors in the workforce, or in politics or their would be sexism there too! God help us.

Note 1: I too have magic powers, I can look at a vast array of rooftops and know instinctively if I have ever burgled the house they roof, so don’t think for a second that this is an anti-magic blog

Note 2: I have never burgled a house, but please don’t think for one second that this in someway sullies my magic power, on the contrary I think it enhances it, you know cause I am ALWAYS right

Note 3: Sullied is a really fun word to say yet it is almost always used in a negative way ‘Sally sullied her salad by spilling it on a dog’ would be one extremely common sentence that takes advantage of the word sullied and is entirely negative, a dinner is ruined, a poor dog is covered and food, and a poor girls reputation and therefore potentially her entire life is destroyed. I think this is all unfair on the word sullied. I for one am going to use it positively for once

Note 4: Deidre sullied her would be attractors rape attempt by kneeing him in the balls

This is just the beginning. Mirrors have managed to sneakily find a way to push their way into almost every bathroom in the world. Those dirty fucks. Tell us why mirrors? What do you get out of looking at us naked all time, looking at us on the toilet, and looking at us sleeping on the floor covered in our own vomit after way too much drinking, and just making it short of getting to the toilet for a puke?

You just know they are getting together in secret and having conversations like this:

‘Hey Bill, how’s life?’

‘Really fucking good actually, the girl in my bathroom has started to stand-up to wipe, I get to see EVERYTHING’

‘Fantastic, hey get this Bill, you should have seen what this guy did in the bathroom I live in did the other day – he looked at me in Simon so he could take a look at his own asshole’

‘Wow what an awesome guy’.

You see I assume this sort of behavior is approved of in mirror society, or perhaps even loved. Or else why would they so encourage it. If mirrors wanted to spend their time looking at us completely dressed looking at perfectly average moments of human existence they would mostly hang out in hallways, or perhaps where the TV hangs out (an object that doesn’t care who you are, but if it does favors the lonely, and yet gets very little respect). But no, the mirror likes to be in the bathroom, that dirty, dirty little object.

Still it’s the love of the vain that makes me the most annoyed. Consider this – I was in the gym the other day and I was working my ass off, figuratively and literally, while spending time enjoying the visual delights of a beautiful blonde girl in a delightful pink and purple skin tight outfit, while her boyfriend simultaneously kept going up to the mirror and lifting up his shirt to look at his own abs!

That’s right! The mirror had an option to attract a sweaty longhaired scruffy guy, a hot young blond, or a douche-bag who wanted to look at his own abs, and it chose to look at the vain douche!!! Take a long hard look at yourself you vain loving snobby mirror scum! (You too blonde girl).

And now because it just occurred to me that I have written about things in your bathroom twice in a row, I segway to this:

Did you know that if you move every mountain on earth into a mountain of mountains then you probably have awesome mountain moving equipment!

On the other hand if you have a mountain in your bathroom you have big problems, although please don’t consult an interior decorator – some of them recommend MIRRORRSSSSSS!!!!!!!

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