Friday, August 20, 2010

Mark my words

Mark my words
Category: Blogging

If you ask me most marksmen are probably really bad at remembering to pay for their parking at the machine before driving up to the exits and annoying the people behind them, the very people who HAD taken the time to follow the clearly labeled directions as posted in several different hard to miss locations upon entering the parking facility.

I know…. I am making a bold statement here, and if you know me I don’t like making bold statements, bold type uses more ink when printing and that shit is surprisingly expensive. Then again I was the guy who once boldly claimed that one-day people would suddenly realize that:

‘hey cheese is awesome, and therefore using the term “cheesy” translated to mean something other than awesome, or maybe even dare I say it “uncool” (how can something be un something, really you’re either something or your not it, you’re not un it. I am a boy not an ungirl for example. Or didn’t cut down a baby giant redwood today I didn’t unnotcutdownababygiantredwood today because that would be kind of stupid, giant red words are awesome, so you can stick your uns up your ass. By the way if you choose not to do this then please don’t unstickunsupyourass). So “cheesy” should be awesome, always, unless you’re being ironic and let’s face it when people use the word “cheesy” they’re hardly ever fucking meaning it ironically and frankly if you’re going to be ironic leave cheese fucking out of it, cheese is never ironic to you, it’s just delicious, and it sits on top of awesome foods like pizza or inside awesome foods like pizza with cheese stuffed into the insides, so leave cheese alone is all I am saying’

And yes that is a direct quote of what I thought ALL people would one day randomly say out loud. It was a bold statement and I only turned out to be partly true (the true bit was the word ‘something’ that word actually exists!)

By the way feel free to be ironic about mirrors – you look at them but you see yourself!!!! Wow, there has got to be something ironic about that.

Hey check this out – what did the vain guy say to the mirror?


Get it. He didn’t see the mirror only himself, ha ha, you know cause he was vain and vanity is awesome.

By the way if you’re vain you suck, so I am so glad I am so much more awesome and beautiful than you, it makes me feel awesome about myself, you vain bastard.

I feel like we’ve gotten off the point. What point I hear you ask? (Wow either you’re really loud or we live closer than I thought!) Point is you can see why I would be wary about making a bold statement again, that is why when I say marksmen probably show an arrogant level of diligence and assiduousness (thesaurus = yay) when it comes to parking etiquette you can have faith I wouldn’t be making such a claim if I didn’t have some hard core evidence that I know what the hell I am talking about.

What hard-core evidence do you have? I hear you ask (seriously keep it down ‘the neighbors will talk’ is a phrase which suggests neighbors are mostly mute and I think evidence points towards most neighbors NOT being mute – so just be careful is all I’m saying).

So what evidence do I have? The best kind, that’s what, yes that’s right hell yeah I have myself in the possession of a theory!

Do you know that it was a theory that led to the invention of tablecloths? Someone once said ‘I have a theory that if we cover the table with a cloth we can create more laundry with no real benefits at all, and an international billion dollar industry was born’ so that there is proof that theories can change the world! When was the last time photographic evidence changed the world? It’s probably been a week or so, where as tablecloths and fresh and relevant.

And really if you can’t get mad at an entire profession because of a theory then what is the point of those public service announcements about how it’s probably not ok to light your own arm on fire? I know! They DON’T exist, because someone had a theory that if they did make public service announcements of this variety it would be pointless because the type of individual prone to lighting their arms on fire are probably too busy with active dating lives to be at home watching TV.

And they were of course right – yet another reason I am jealous of the fire armers. The other reasons include the following:

- They rarely have their sinks blocked up with hair that has fallen off their arms which saves thousands a year in plumbing costs

- They’re more respected that politicians

- They rarely get given tickets by the cops (when your arm is on fire the cops believe you when you say your wife is about to give birth, cause think about it, if your wife wasn’t about to give birth why on earth would you light your arm on fire?)

By the way, remember high school when all your classmates’ wives were giving birth? If so you’re peers had a weird trend of young marriages.

I once wrote a novel called ‘your peers had a weird trend of young marriages’ it was about a bunch of normal well adjusted teenagers – the title was ironic – and yes it’s way better to be ironic about peers and teenage marriages than cheese, you dairy hating scum (Butter and ice cream are also diary! Wow, magical). (Have you ever put melted butter on your ice-cream? If so you may be overweight, and yet clearly awesomenessous, which is proof that fat is the new cool).

Speaking of scum I also assume marksmen are dairy haters, because why else would they not pay for their parking at the time they were told to!!!!!

I’ll tell you why – because marksmen don’t know the meaning of the word ‘helmatumliciss’ because that word doesn’t exist and marksmen are often too busy looking into that close up scope eye hole dealy to worry about the dictionary. Yes I know – bastards.

And what kind of person doesn’t have intimate knowledge of every made up word not in the dictionary? People who don’t pay for their parking when they should – that’s who!! (Please not: Also all people and all people includes marksmen!!!!)

So yes do I answer yes to the suggestion that yes I am pissed off at marksmen? Yes I do.

Will I get over it soon? Probably, I mean I don’t actually know any marksmen and I don’t own a car so I rarely park one in carparks so what’s the big deal really?

By the way are marksmen are those guys who train to like shoot things from far away? Cause those guys are talented AND cool, I’d never say anything bad about them.

Ps – helmatumliciss: To love tablecloths and yet keep it a secret that really they don’t do anything but contribute to laundry

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