Monday, August 23, 2010

Please don't hit her

In Australia there is a man known to most as ‘moonface’ due to his big moon like face who has been a fixture on TV since I think like the year it was invented. He’s kind of like our Regis, and he is a much-loved icon.

(Oh damn, pictures aren't copy and pasting here - boo. I do recommend looking up pictures of the girls mentioned below)

Because of this his son got the easy ride into fame and fortune because for some reason I have never figured out if your parents are famous you no longer have to qualify with talent to be put on TV.

He rode the wave with joy jumping head first into stardom where he met this girl, Brooke Satchwell, who at the time was a multi-award winning huge TV star in Australia who also has huge boobs. I’m not usually a big boob guy, but I would like to meet hers, and her too actually.

Things were going great for our hero, he was the son of the famous guy and therefore he is famous, things were going so good in fact that he decided to start beating up Brooke. Ahhh, young love.

Brooke was strong, and had him charged with assault where he was convicted in a court of law of doing one of the scummiest things any human could ever even imagine doing.

As I am sure you can all understand from here his career skyrocketed. I mean he was the guy everyone was already talking about so in a world brimming with talented people who no one is willing to take a chance on why on earth would you hire one of these kids when you already have a known undeserving sadistic bastard ready to go, assuming at the moment he is either not in rehab or in a drug fueled rampage which will put him there soon which could interrupt filming and ruin the whole show/film. I mean this is show business and when a great business opportunity comes up to cast a known scum bag everyone should hate and may well fuck up the entire production comes up you simply have to grab the chance while its there.

Obviously I am being sarcastic, but the truth is this guy really did beat up his girlfriend, numerous times, he admitted it, was convicted of it, and only missed jail because I guess the judge also liked to give his missus a good thumping from time to time and didn’t want to set a precedent for jail time for this kind of evil? Or something like that. But his career really did take off from here, he went from a bit part player to a leading man in big TV shows and movies, and as of last week was in the Ryan Seacrest role as host of Australia’s new x-factor.

It’s lunacy.

That’s why he was able to woo this girl

Her name is Rachael Taylor, and she is herself on the cusp of being a major movie star. And also very hot, and has the little boobs I usually like and I would also like to meet her boobs, and her. You know, just for fun and that.

Thing were once again going great for our hero, so this week he beat Rachael up a bunch of times and everyone is outraged and shocked.

In his defense he then did what guy so manly that he often beats up young girls would do and manned up, and offered to let the cops beat the living shit out of him before dumping his sadistic ass in jail for a long, long time, woops I mean checked back into rehab, so he could pretend that he isn’t bad its just the naughty medicine talking.

This is truly one piece of shit of a human. I have no idea how he managed to repair his career after he first did this, and not just repair it but have it blossom considerably. It is totally unforgivable, and I really, really hope when he gets out of rehab this time Australia makes him a truly despised man. I suspect we'll do the opposite and give him a starring role on a show within weeks. I mean he was the new host of the x-factor, he has already filmed all of the audition shows, so they can't edit him out, and this is a show mostly targeted towards teenage girls!!!! Who on earth made that hiring decision, and how have they not been fired by now?

I do feel very sorry for Rachael, but still, given the well known facts a girl, who is literally one of the most beautiful girls alive and who was a star in a movie, which although being utter crap, did gross something like a billion dollars (Transformers), and not that these two factors should ensure you’re lucky in love, but it does mean you have choices of a considerable number of would be suitors, so the fact that she chose to date a guy with a known history of violence against his love interests I can only assume a conversation like this took place at some point.

‘Hi Mum’

‘Hi Honey’

‘Guess what, I have news!’

‘What is it luv?’

‘I met a boy’

‘You did? Congratulations! What’s he like?’

‘Oh he is wonderful, he is a famous actor who isn’t very talented but his dad is really famous so he gets to leap into the industry in front of more deserving people, plus get this, he has a history of substance abuse problems AND he used to beat up his ex-girlfriend’

‘Oh honey, I am so happy for you, finally you found a good one, in this world where almost all men would think it nothing short of despicable to physically attack their loved ones it can be hard finding one willing’

‘I know, finally a boy willing to love me with is kisses and his closed fist pummeling my face’

‘Plus baby, and I don’t want to jinx it, but a black eye will really compliment a white wedding dress!!!!!’

‘I know, I can picture it now, my beautiful day, with a split lip a black eye, and a cracked rib making it hard to breathe, so romantic’

‘Has he hit you yet’?

‘Not yet, but I can tell he wants to. Do you think I should provoke him by starting some silly fight over something ludicrous like the toilet seat, or is that being too manipulative’

‘Ha ha, you’re still learning aren’t you, of course it’s ok to be a little manipulative, when it comes to the important things like when a boy first says he loves you, or buys you flowers for no particular reason, or punches a couple of teeth out of your mouth sometimes they just need a little push’

‘Thanks mum, maybe I’ll purposely leave the microwave door open tonight, he hates that, oh my god, I’m so excited, I am finally going to know what it feels like to have someone who claims he loves me punch me in the face!!!! Yay’

‘Just make sure you tell me all about it when it happens, some of us are just going to live vicariously through you, were not all that lucky’

‘Oh mum, I hope you find a nice woman basher too one day’

‘Thanks honey. Oh one other thing, when he hits you try not to let the media find out, I know this may be hard to believe but some people think men beating up women is “wrong”’

‘No they don’t, they couldn’t’

‘I’m telling you luv, it’s true. Some people think boyfriends should give you cuddles, not broken bones, and its worse, some people will even think you were “silly” to even go out with a guy like this’

‘I don’t believe it’

‘Well try to honey, cause if it gets out he might have to “pretend” to be sorry and go back to rehab because all his other stints in rehab so clearly “cured” him of his girlfriend bashing ways, and he can’t hit you when he is in rehab can he?’

‘No, I don’t think I could handle that’

‘Well I don’t want to bring you down from your joy, have a great night baby doll, I hope you taste your own blood from your bleeding tongue tonight!’

‘Thanks mum, you’re the best mummy ever!’

Ahh, the world :(

Other weird things I have seen this week include

- A guy in a pizza restaurant in Los Angeles point down at his pizza and without a hint of irony or sarcasm said 'They would never serve pizza like this in America'

- A woman in a Carls Jnr burger joint sitting with her food in front of her yet still wearing one of those anti-pollution/bird-flu masks

- A guy at McDonald's who upon ascending to the front of the line was still talking on the phone and who did NOT put it down as he ordered and yet DID still get served and did NOT get stabbed in the face for being such a rude asshole (I know this one isn't that unusual - but it sure as hell should be)

- A 33 year old Australian literally eating McDonalds within ten minutes of eating Carls Jnr (I know this guy personally too, and he is getting a little pudgy again for some reason, I don't have the heart to tell him)

- A man precociously slicking back his underarm hair all sexy like in hope of earning free leave it to beaver memorabilia (this one was me too, but seriously that beav has some expensive shit these days).

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