Sunday, August 29, 2010

Finally more is known about the cause of evil

If you ask me just because you are afraid of windowsills does NOT guarantee you are evil at all.

I know, once again I am stirring up controversy, and trust me I don’t want to upset anyone. That is unless you are one of those people who are scared of windowsills and you ARE evil.

In which case I probably still wont upset you because of my theory. I mean if adopted by medical researches currently studying evil and how to extract it from the body without the removal of the pancreas, because as we all know the pancreas is vital to living a life full of daydreams about olive oil, and no one wants to give those up, and why bother being evil free if that means you are also pancreas free and therefore olive oil dream free? The answer is it’s not worth it, ever! So if these medical professionals do adopt my theory, and they may, I mean evil studying medical researchers are the MOST prone of all medical professionals to willy-nilly theory adopting. Many in the medical research fields feel it holds them back from dominating the inter-medical field indoor soccer league. That’s when you know you have a problem. So if they do adopt this theory also, and then write a ground breaking report detailing how being afraid of windowsills does not guarantee you’re evil, and then if anyone who matters takes note of this report, which frankly is unlikely, especially seeing as time and time again these gullible evil studying scientists have adopted theories and written reports on them. What I am saying is if you ARE scared of windowsills and you ARE evil, and people who matter pay attention, then I know that you will probably, rather than get upset, merely use this report as evidence to get you off in court. So DON’T get UPSET WITH ME, I’m helping you evil bastards.

(Wow, sometimes you just have to sit back and take a rest after a paragraph so lacking in confusion and merely congratulate yourself. Well done Dave).

What I am getting at is this – if you get upset about my theory and you’re evil, I don’t care, I only care whether or not I upset NOT-evil people! That’s just the kind of guy I am.

By the way if a man pulls up beside you in white car that clearly has windowsills and he randomly offers you a “ride” somewhere feel free to go with him; I’m not here to make decisions for you, yet as surprising as it may sound, plenty of people who are not afraid of windowsills still are evil! And you should always do your best to stay up to date with risk factors such as this.

Ok, so lets look at the facts:

Fact One: Windowsills are usually located in the vicinity of glass - which is made from sand! Tiny yellow granules that get turned into clear see-through panels? That’s magical! And magic is evil. So being scared of windowsills shows a clear fear of evil and as we all know it is impossible to fear something you ARE yourself!

Note: unless you’re a spider, in which case of course you are scared of other spiders, they are little and bitey

Note 2: Also if you’re a bus pass, because as we all know if a bus pass touches another bus pass both automatically turn into spiders, so yes that is another example of the exception that proves the rule that it is impossible to fear something that you are yourself. Evil for example.

Fact Two: Windowsills collect dust and dust is largely made up skin fragments – eeww! And evil people get sad when reunited with long lost and long forgotten skin fragments.

Fact Three: You never see spiders on windowsills anymore because most spiders are scared to run into other spiders there which scares them because spiders fear spiders because spiders are scary. And evil people are scared of things being scared of running into similar things at places; so evil people stay the hell away.

Fact Four: Windowsills are rarely made of denim. Why not? I don’t know, manufacturers of windowsills have never satisfactorily explained this, and this says loud and clear – they have something to hide. I don’t know what it could be, but you better believe I FEAR it! And evil people don’t wear denim; it makes them itch.

These Four facts prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is perfectly logical to be evil and be scared of windowsills, and therefore the fact that you are scared of windowsills is not the cause of your evil, but rather a symptom.

Note: Doubt NEVER has a shadow. It’s a feeling, not an object, and feelings don’t have shadows.

Note 2: Unless what you are feeling is a spider on you in which case – RUN!!!!!!!

Stay tuned – next week I will somehow attempt to prove that you can NOT own a wallet yet still BE ADDICTED to sniffing strangers perfume.

Clue: If you’re stricken with adult onset diabetes that has bizarrely caused acute juvenile amnesia why would you buy a wallet, you should be worrying about getting medical a examination!

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