Monday, August 2, 2010

Another great underdog story

They say it’s good luck when a bird shits on you. I’m not sure why myself, seems more like it forces the washing of clothes which was invented by Ivan the terrible. You see as the Tsar of Russia, Ivan went on a terrible killing spree. The people would say ‘what’s ol’ Ivan up to?’ and the reply would come ‘Ivan’s on a terrible killing spree’ then some guy went ‘we should call him Ivan the terrible’.

Ivan had this man killed of course. This is why bullies now hand out most nicknames. It’s simple evolution. Giving out nicknames often got you killed in awful inhumane ways. So mostly only really stupid people gave them out. Like the guy who nicknamed Queen Elizabeth the 1st the ‘virgin queen’? What an idiot, while he was out thinking up nicknames he had the chance to bone a queen, and a virgin! You’d have to be nuts to pass out either of those things. And instead he stuck to nicknames and got himself drawn and quartered. And that smarts, especially when the horses are pulling your limbs off. Then there was that dude in ancient Rome who called some other bloke Steve, which back then was a terrible insult meaning ‘one with manly voice’ which in those days was insulting because men with manly voices were often forced to be leaders, which in those days wasn’t desired because they didn’t have microphones so giving speeches hurt the throat. Well that guy who called that guy Steve, had Steve turn around and said ‘you rule’, which in those days was a really mean insult, you know because of the whole sore throat element to ruling.

Over time with nicknaming few becoming stupider and stupider and therefore their offspring became stupider and stupider until we reach modern times when only the stupidest people alive have the natural instinct to nickname within them, and you got it, bullies, always the stupidest people alive.

Advice by Dave – If you ever have someone bullying go ‘nice job Steve, you Rule’ they’ll be too stupid to know the reference and it’ll confuse them so much they’ll poo their pants.

Please note – result may differ if the bullies name is Steve.

In Ivan’s case the reception of the nickname ‘Ivan the terrible’ did of course result in the nicknamer to be tortured cruelly (one of his ancestors went on to be the bully who nicknamed New York’s the naked cowboy ‘the naked cowboy’ clearly failing to notice that this man is always wearing underpants, seriously what a moron). But it also hurt Ivan’s feelings terribly. And when he told his number two in command ‘my feelings hurt terribly’ and his number two went ‘Ha ha, like Ivan the terrible’ you guessed it, beheaded! Now Ivan felt even worse, not only did he have a nickname that hurt his feelings terribly but he had just beheaded his best friend.

There was only one thing for it. He needed to go out and shag as many women as possible to get his mind off it. He set to his new task with a vigor people hadn’t seen in him since his last murder spree. Yet still he wasn’t happy. ‘Why aren’t you happy Ivan?’ someone once fortuitously asked him. ‘Because some of the girls smell bad’ came the reply.

In an instant the word was put out, if you want Ivan to pork you instead of kill you, then you damn well better smell decent. ‘But how?’ said a young lady by the name of Madeline Washing. Then she went ‘bingo’ which then was a word meaning ‘dinner is ready’ and while she sat and ate dinner with her family she noticed a lot of them were wiping grease and shit on their clothes, and she thought to herself ‘what a waste of grease and shit’. Furious at her family for their waste, she made her son try and extract the wasted food from his shirt, he failed miserably, as he just chucked his shirt in the river and said ‘get it out yourself mum, you slut!’ Madeline was crushed, her food was wasted, her son hated her, and she remembered that she was married with kids, and so probably not the kind of lay the tsar was looking for anyway.

Dejected, she went down to the river to collect the shirt, and finding it stuck in a tree, she pulled it free and discovered in was kind of cleaner than it had been. She named this new process ‘Washing’ after her surname, because people were all show offs back then.

She never did get to screw the tsar, but washing took off, some people still practice it even today! Still a bird pooing on you lucky? Yeah right, like I am going to support something that originated from nicknaming!

So this one time a friend of mine, Leaves, was pooed on by a bird. He showed up at work that day with a big poo stain on his shirt. And someone said to him ‘hey nice poo stain, you should buy a lottery ticket’ and so he bought a lottery ticket and did NOT win, and vowed from that day on that birds pooing on you clearly wasn’t good luck, and that hard work was what got people what they wanted.

He started telling people ‘hey man, you know when someone says a bird pooing on you is good luck, well that’s bullshit man’ and they’d go ‘no bird shit, not bullshit’ and he’d be like ‘don’t test me man’ and they’d be like ‘hey have you ever realized that bird shit is two words yet bullshit is one word, that’s speciest!’ and he would get all upset and want to fight back, sometimes he would get so enraged that he would even think about nicknaming some of these people. But he wouldn’t go out like that ‘not this guy man’ he would say. And then people were like ‘you can’t say guy and man back to back, it’s not good English’ and that would really piss him off.

The forty second time after this series of events took place he snapped. A bird pooing on him had started this path to horror. People had told him at the time that it was good luck and instead it had sent his life spiraling out of control to the point of people correcting his English, which is of course one of the most evil things humans can do (except in Estonia where it is considered polite! Ahh Estonians, they are so cute yet so fucked up).

Leaves swore revenge. If a bird pooing on him could ruin his life then he was going to return the favor. Yep, that’s right, he was going to poo on a bird. Hell yeah he was.

It was not going to be easy. Birds aren’t easy to target, and pooing isn’t easy to control.

Little known fact: Guns are not designed after the human digestion system!

But Leaves was determined. He trained hard. He ate lots of fiber. And one day he came out from his training facilities, spotted a target, ran at it with the speed and grace of a Springbok, leapt to his feet, and while somersaulting through the air he pulled down his pants and projectile fired out a turd right into the head of one of the losers who said ‘a bird pooing on you is good luck’.

And he yelled ‘a bird pooing on you good luck. A human pooing on you great skill! Take that Steve!’ (This guys name was Steve, so don’t you go label Leaves one of these nicknaming psychos!).

Leaves still hasn’t managed to poo on a bird (he is adamant a Canary in a cage doesn’t count, some people are weird I guess) but he continues to try until this very day, and I think he will get there, because in the end if the underdog doesn’t win some people are like ‘why are we watching this, we can see the underdog lose in real life all the time’ and the answer is of course ‘because if the end doesn’t surprise you at least occasionally there will never be any suspense in any stories you loser’.

Also if you ever have a bird poo on you and someone says ‘hey bird poo, that’s good luck, yay’ tell them ‘no it ain’t’ then give Leaves a call, and he’ll show them the real meaning of Christmas, wait I mean he’ll totally poo in their face for you, especially if they are a bunch of birds dressed in a human man suit. (This is not the source of the two birds one stone saying, but if your poos are stone like please see a doctor).

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