Monday, September 10, 2012

Inventions more smart than other things

Here at Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! I'm not just about experimenting with the boundaries of the comedic experience; I’m also occasionally interested in things that are simply true. Take bongo drums for instance, if they were real I may be interested in them in times that I am interested in things that are real, but seeing as they are clearly figments of various peoples’ imaginations I’m only interested in them on the times I am mostly interested in things which are clearly made up, which is most of the time. Well today isn’t most of the time!  

Yesterday I brought you the origins of one of the truly greatest inventions of all time, the Honda Red Key.

As I am writing this, right now (ooohhh, time travel) I'm waiting for the tow truck! Oh my god that's a great invention that red key, but here is the thing, as brilliant as providing a key for customers that does nothing but completely fuck up your own car is, I have actually personally invented some things even MORE smarter! And remember the red key is clearly quite brilliant, it fucked up my own car and cost me a lot of money, that's genius, I've been driving Hondas since my first driving lesson nearly 20 years ago and now I'm considering blacklisting them forever, that's a seriously great invention, so an invention that is even better than that invention would have to be truly revolutionary, and those are the type of inventions that I invented!

So here they are, my pitch to you of my inventions even smarterer than the red key as invented by me, three of them!

Do you love pet rocks? Ha ha, trick question, of course you do, but lets face it, they have one big flaw - they don’t give you an excuse to play with your own feces. That’s why I invented the pet poo, all the fun of a pet rock with the added benefit of fishing a poo out of your toilet and gluing eyes to it!

Are you Hungry? Ha ha, trick question, everyone knows the only correct answer to that question is 'depends what you’re offering', and you can’t possibly know what I am offering, unless I tell you, and now I will, because what I am offering is awesome - its tennis racket bolognaise! Just like regular spaghetti bolognaise but replacing messy spaghetti with full sized tennis rackets, finally you can eat bolognaises AND wear a white shirt.

Are you sick of having to open your door to get in your house? Ha ha, trick question, because if you’re like me, and I assume you’re exactly like me, then you know that opening your front door is tiresome, especially if you’re A. carrying lots of soda B. chewing gum that has lost its flavor but you haven’t spotted a trash can in ages so you’re still chewing it, but really looking forward to getting inside to spit it out, or even if C. you have a rapists chasing you. That’s why I invented the house with no front door. With the no front door house you'll never have to open your front door again, plus no pesky repairs from rapists breaking your lock!

Wow, that's just three inventions clearly smarterer than the Honda red key, and yet the Honda red key exists, and my better inventions are just rotting in my brain barely making me any money. That makes no sense, and this is a blog where I am concerned with nothing but truth, and how can something true not make sense? Damn you Honda.

Maybe I should invent things I can SELL to Honda, that'd be intellegenter of me, um…

Are you sick of having to get into car crashes to justify expensive car bodywork? Ha ha, trick question? The answer is 'no'. Well we at Honda think you SHOULD want to take your car to the repair shop guy even if you haven’t been in a car accident. That's why we provide a drunk father of a teenage girl with every Honda sold. Simply let your drunk father of a teenage girl out of your trunk, tell him you impregnated his daughter, hand him a big stick, then lock yourself in your car and you'll be at the repair works body fix mans shop in a jiffy. Drunk father of a teenage daughter's now standard on all Hondas.

Wow, am I awesome at inventing things more smarty than the red key? Trick question, fuck yeah I am!

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