Monday, July 2, 2012

And now, finally, finally revealed, finally!

And now, finally, finally revealed, finally:  After literally months of speculation the secret has finally been discovered, by ME, and so now, finally, finally revealed, finally - How the pyramids were built!

As a child the future first pharaoh of Egypt loved to play in the sand box. Only problem was that most days there was a bully there, and like all bullies he was a total dickhead, who would always steal the future pharaoh’s Tonka trucks, push over his sand castles and then pee on them and claim it was actually 7-up. Eventually, after literally many months of harassment, and even more tears, the future pharaoh had enough and screamed out ‘well one day I'm going to rule an empire and I'll build things so big you can never push them over before get making me taste the aftermath to see if it really did taste like the world’s least flavorful soda, so there’!

The bully, being a bully, was a moron and responded ‘yeah right’ and it turned out ‘yeah right’ was right! Only the bully meant it sarcastically so he was actually deadly wrong. And the bully was forced to watch as the future pharaoh did build an empire, locating it in the desert, so it would feel like a big fat sand box all of his own.

The final piece of his puzzle was still to be achieved, an enormous sandcastle that could never be pushed down. Still scared by the loss of literally twenty Tonka trucks, he demanded this castle be built using no modern trucks or machinery, and workers weren't even allowed to refresh themselves with 7-up, because there were far more flavorful refreshments like Dr Pepper, crocodile eye flavored Italian ice, lemon sunkist, and sprite with orange flavoring added frozen into ice cubes and put into Diet Coke, and the castle was to be built in a pyramid shape, because back in those days the only plastic buckets you could buy at the hardware store to make sand castles with were pyramid shaped, ‘round’ having yet to be invented, which is also why actual castles were yet to be invented.

For a while construction was slow. Worker’s struggled to lift the rocks up to make the castle, but then the pharaoh had a genius idea: Former bullies often now had teenage daughter, having knocked up classmates in school closets because they couldn’t figure out how to get the condoms out of the wrapper. The pharaoh would find these men, bring them to the construction site and say 'carry that rock up there or we'll gang rape your daughter’, and the former bullies, while being scum did still want to protect their daughters, because they knew what sort of filthy ideas men can have about teenage girls, and they didn’t want men thinking these things while raping their daughters, and they would get super strength and carry up the rock like some sort of man beast, or life size Tonka truck, which they also knew all about having stolen them for years.

Then the Pharaoh would have the daughters gang raped anyway, because those pharaohs were vindictive bastards with lots of bitterness hanging over from their own disappointing teenage years, sometimes they'd even make fun of little girls for thinking they'd seen Johnny Depp when they'd actually just seen a look alike, dicks!

After the gang rape the former bullies would be taken to the quarry and handed a pick and in their rage they would break up more stone for use in future construction of the giant sandcastle/ pyramids, and the pattern would continue until a pyramid was built.

Now the Pharaoh would appear and tell him they'd been Punk'd (something that made the future finder of these truths really pissed with himself to use, because it’s terrible hacky old reference and I was forced to use it, because for some reason in my story I wanted it so that the teenage girls hadn't actually been raped, what's happened to me?) and the former bully would say 'that's a horrible thing to do, really mean man, like not nice at all, if that Punk’d thing ever becomes a TV show your going to need to find a complete an absolute douchebag to host it’.

'TV show you say' the Pharoahs said, and being the head of a huge organization with lots money they had no idea about creativity or artistic merit and merely thought 'There might be money in that'.

There were only two problems –
1. TV seemed like something the Jews may end up controlling, so they thought they had better start a pattern of Middle Eastern attempts to eradicate Jews.
2. They really would have to find completely unlikable dickhead to host a show like that, and no one had even imagined anyone could be douchey enough, as even bullies that would steal Tonka trucks were nice enough to carry rocks to protect their daughters.

So for centuries they'd start race wars while simultaneously breeding the least likable people on earth with each other until eventually we got to the point where the Jews only controlled a large chunk of TV, and the seven millionth child was born to selective douche on douche breeding, and Ashton Kutcher was born and the entire Middle East went 'well the Jews do run large chunks of TV but some of them make really funny shows, and we found a man annoying and unlikeable enough to host this Punk'd show, so let’s get to it’.

And that day all attempts to eradicate the Jews ended and a really shitty show was born. God wasn't happy and immediately made the nose of the sphinx fall off to show his disgust, and for some reason people actually liked that shitty show, and more shows made up of really unlikable dickheads continued to get made. The end.

The lesson is that I was kind of embarrassed to write a piece using such an old, hack like ‘Punk’d’ reference, but then I realized as the only person who currently new the truth on how the pyramids were built I had better jump on this smack on current pop culture topical reference while I could, because you don’t want to waste shit like that, I mean who knows when I'll get the chance to talk about pyramids again? Plus at least the teenage girls didn’t actually get raped, and for some reason I literally care about that, what’s wrong with me?

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