Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Things I learned from divorcing Tom Cruise

So it seems as if Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have reached a speedy divorce agreement, almost as if it had all been planned out earlier than we all heard about her intention to divorce him, maybe even before they started dating! Ha ha, making stuff up is fun!

Well I am not going to speculate on who, or what, or where, or witches, because I don’t believe in them, and we have all heard all the rumors about Tom already, and I don’t want to get involved in talk that we just know is true, where is the fun in that?

Instead I would like to talk about the time I personally divorced Tom Cruise, and more than that I want to talk about the good things, maybe even, and this will depend on where this goes from here, and whether or not I can be assed to change the title of this blog if it ends up going down a different path than the one I first intended, which may well happen, because sometimes one path seems nice for a while, but then you see another path and you’re all like ‘wow, I am already really familiar with this path, and it may still be gorgeous, but I am used to it, there are no surprises anymore, no mystery, and am just a man, we evolved into who we are because of our proclivity to spreading our seeds down as many paths as we can, sometimes we want to have one path in front of us, while two other paths are making out just for our amusement, before we spray our seed all over all the paths and make the paths lick up the seeds off each others body parts, you know, because if we didn’t do that kind of thing, with paths, then the human race would never have evolved, but then again, that path may be owned by someone else, and no one likes you spreading your seed on their path, plus, unlike Tom Cruise, some of us don’t attract all sorts of the most desirable paths around, so we might just like to stick with one’ and then you get all tired, and you think ‘if I just stick to the path I know, I can get home early, watch a little internet path, and go to sleep’ which is what I am now thinking about doing, so I am going to stick with my original plan, with no deviations, or distractions, and tell you some of the great things I learned during my divorce from Tom Cruise.

-     I am not physically attracted to calligraphy, no matter how well versed it is in the motor bike arts
-       Smellavision may well have taken off if the first movies that utilized the technology were not documentaries on long shut down abattoirs
-       The ‘L’ in ‘L. Ron Hubbard’ stood for ‘Lance’ the ‘Ron’ stood for ‘My’ and the ‘Hubbard’ stood for ‘huge disgusting cyst’
-       ‘Hitler’ rhymes flawlessly with ‘bitter baby critter’
-       The founder of Scientology was terrible at acronyms
-       In the movie ‘The Five Year Engagement’ the lead character played by Jason Segal quits the cooking job that he is passionate about and talented at, so his fiancé, played by Emily Blunt, can take up a job as a research assistant, where in five full years she only has one single idea for a research project - on her first day - and then nothing again for five whole years, and we find out later that this idea was only implemented at all because her boss wanted to sleep with her!  Seriously!
-       Tom and I may not have gotten divorced if I wanted to bang any of my employees.
-       Katie Holmes is a single mom; Michelle Williams is a single mom, who’s next, Percy or Dawson?
-       If the first movies to utilize the Smellavision technology were the documentaries on L. Ron Hubbard, we’d all be HUGE fans
-       ‘Unleashing Intrinsic Mayhem’ would be a good title for, I don’t know, something?
-       Michelle Williams is now DATING JASON SEGAL….. spooky…..
-       Paths can sometimes be metaphors for sex
-       Frozen yogurt tastes better the day you buy it than it does three weeks later, unless you keep it in the freezer and then it’s just about the same
-       I don’t HAVE any employees!

So you see how good being married to Tom Cruise and then divorcing him can be? So don’t feel bad for Katie, I learned so much from it. Now I am going to go watch some internet path, I hope it has smellavision!

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