Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The truth about recent controversy finally revealed

Considering the recent controversies facing Daniel Tosh, Fred Willard and the fast food chain Chic-Fil-A (who now occupy the spot that used to be my local Carls Jnr which is my FAVORITE fast food place, you bastards) we can say that without a doubt that at least SOME people in the modern world are currently offended by the thought of rape, masturbation and/or gay sex.

Now, your personal opinion may be different from other people’s personal opinions, and my opinions may be different from other people’s personal opinions which is personally quite satisfying to people who share your opinion, and yet don’t share my personal opinion, but that is not the point of this blog, the point of this blog is not opinions, it is facts and the facts are the following:

1.     The entire cyberspace is getting together to make you question whether you want your next orgasm to come from rape, masturbation or gay sex, and
2.     Clearly this is the result of a huge world wide female conspiracy to FINALLY get men to admit that, at least on occasion, they have considered the idea of consensual sex with women, and possibly considered it in POSITIVE WAYS!

Yes I know I'm taking a HUGE LEAP here - men admit they desire sex with women - NEVER!

But I am sorry men, I really am, I know it goes against all our natural modesty, unwillingness to be judged by our fellow man, and the lessons we've been taught by the media over decades of ‘consensual sex with females is undesirable’ propaganda, but it seems that our hands may have been forced:

- Admit you like rape and you may lose a couple of stand up gigs!
- Admit masturbation is ok and you may get hauled out of a cinema – on the week Step Up Revolution is released!
- Admit gay sex is your style and an old man will start chucking chicken nuggets at you - only without any dipping sauce! The horror.

Oh my god, Women, that’s dastardly, devious even, how did you do it? You unscrupulous enchantresses. Well I can't fight it anymore, against all my willpower and métier I will be the first man to say it out loud:

‘I sometimes think thoughts concerning the consensual exchange of “special cuddles” between a man of legal age and a woman of legal age in a secure private location with the blinds closed and music playing so as to cover any noises made by the “special cuddles” but not so loud as to disturb the neighbors in a way which could result in a door being knocked on, and these are thoughts that I have been known to find occasionally positive in nature’

Please note the following:
-       “Special cuddles” means “sexual intercourse”
-       If the conditions specified above are not available to be thought about I will make do with the lights being on, the thought of bending a girl over a gravestone, or the “special cuddles” being less “cuddle” in nature and more “penetrate her butt” in nature.
-       I also like “regular cuddles” but that is not what we are debating here

There I did it. Wow. What a release. Trust me guys, it’s ok. You have nothing to fear. Sure controversy and female manipulation forced me into it, but I feel great! Will you follow me men? Come on join me, give it a go, say it, the women actually want you to. Plus, I now have dipping sauce!

Ps. Hey hip hop community, don't ruin it by making it all crude, ok?

No comments:

Post a Comment