Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Scientist

Cameron is a scientist.
'But that's not all I am' he'd say when described that way 'I'm also an excellent conversationalist, like watch this - how about this weather, it's actually caused by a cold winds blowing inland off the ocean, running into a pocket of hot air isolated in this valley because of a high pressure system'.
Yeah yeah, ok Cameron I believe you, but let me finish your profile before you talk again please.
'Ok Dave'.

So where was I, oh yes, Cameron is a scientist.
'Sorry, did I not convince you about my conversation skills, that's ok, um, how about the latest episode of that medieval era fantasy series, I found the historical inaccuracies to be both warranted and creative, and rather than take me out of the reality of the scenarios presented they instead added to the drama and intrigue, creating suspense and twists that kept me, the viewer, on the edge of my seat, or more accurately with my back occasionally developing space between it and my upper vertical cushion'.

Yeah ok Cameron, that was good, but if you don't mind, just let me get through this profile before you speak again.

'My apologies'.

Cameron is a scientist.

'Sorry, it's just, you've already said that twice, and I'm not denying the truth in the sentiment, but I am more than a scientist, I have other things about me, I like socializing for example, I was entered in a pub trivia competition the other evening with a merry bunch of fascinating men and women, who all enjoyed my particular take on how I believe pedestrian traffic would flow faster in peak, or rush hour, segments of the day, which are actually typically periods longer than a standard western measurement of an hour, although historically different societies and nations around the world at different times have listed a variety of time periods under a definition of a word that roughly translates into English as an "hour", but the point being the pedestrian traffic would flow smoother if we banned window shopping during busy times, and required casual shoppers to enter the stores they were intrigued by'.

Yes, yes Cameron, that's an excellent idea, but this PROFILE would flow faster if you'd stop interrupting me ok?

'You’re right, I am truly sorry'.

Alright, so, Cameron is a scientist...

'Um, Da..'

BUT BUT BUT, that's not all he is...

'Can I...'

HE'S ALSO, if he'll let me speak, my doubles tennis partner, the inventor of the 'lint roller', a humanitarian known for his many charitable trips to various third world countries, a contributor to the New York Times 'insights into imperiousness' series, a former Tour De France competitor, organizer of the extremely popular East Village Art Walk, a part time brain surgeon, the world’s foremost World War Two era bi-plane wing surfer, a regular CIA consultant in matters regarding national security, one of only eleven known humans who can recite every line of dialogue in the entire godfather series INCLUDING everything said by every extra and background performer, even when what they are saying is not audible, an expert in body language and lip reading, the author of six highly regarded volumes of sonnets, and my long time absolute best friend, is that enough Cameron you needy prick? That was all always in the profile, but you just had to fucking interrupt me didn’t you, so now I look like I have forced all that in to make it look like I wasn’t going to call you ‘just a scientist’ not that that wouldn’t be something to be proud of in itself, and you know what, you didn’t just make me look like a dick, you probably made yourself look stupid too, because now half the people here are thinking ‘wow, what a great introduction, this guy obviously really regards his friend, shame his friend doesn’t seem to reciprocate’ and the other half are thinking ‘he probably made half that shit up just because this Cameron guy was being a needy cunt’, so well done you fucking ass. Anyway, it is Science week here at The Society of Sciency Stuff, and I would like you to please now give a warm, warm The Society of Sciency Stuff welcome, to your keynote speaker, here to give his famous ‘why being a scientist is badass’ speech, ladies and gentleman…. CAMERON!!!!!

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