Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Star upon a dream

His mommy had told him to 'dream big'. And his daddy had told him to 'chase his dreams as hard as he could'. And luckily Harold DID have a dream, and he dreamed about it as often as he could, and he was going to chase it as HARD as he could. 

Fortunately for him all Harold dreamed of was to jump over a puddle one day. 

Unfortunately for him there were a few slight problems with this dream, including: 

- It hadn't rained where Harold lived in like forever. 
- He didn't own any gumboots. 
- Even if he did, gumboots would be hard to jump in. 
- And he didn't own any better jumping shoes. 
- And he couldn't jump at all without shoes on. 
- And he didn't know where he could get shoes.
- And even if he did he didn't know how to put on shoes. 
- Also he didn't have any toes, so no shoes would really work out for him.
- Especially seeing as he had no feet.
- Also he didn't have any legs.
- Which meant that even if he attained toes or feet he'd have nowhere to put them.
- And even if he found somewhere to put them it would probably be really expensive to put them there. 
- And putting them there would be nowhere near as good as having them attached there.
- And having things attached is often even more expensive than having things put. 
- Which is bullshit because finding a good put guy can be just as hard as finding a good attach guy. 
- And in these economically downturned times who has the time to put into spending money on finding people? 
- Especially to put into finding an inadequate put guy. 
- As it was Harold ALREADY had significantly limited time to spend on leisure time. 
- Because he didn't even know what the word 'leisure' meant. 
- So why isolate time for it.
- And even if he did he isolate time for it, he didn't own any leisure clothes to leisure in. 
- And even if he did he attain some leisure clothes, he didn't know what leisure clothes were, so he wouldn't be able to grab them. 
- Let alone know how to put them on. 
- And even if he did know what they were, and how to put them on, what would be the point of wearing leisure clothes if he didn't have any shoes.
- Or knowledge of what to do with shoes.
- And he DIDN'T even have toes.
- Or feet.
- Or legs. 
- Also it was a stupid, stupid, stupid dream. 
- As he was around water ALL the time anyway, the stupid idiot. 
- So why not dream about some completely dry spot?
- What a moron.
- It's almost like that tiny brain of his barely even worked. 
- And his brain WAS tiny.
- Because he was a fish
- And it was hard being a fish.
- Because when your a fish if you dream of somewhere dry people call you a moron.  
- Plus he didn't know yet that his girlfriend, the pretty star, was secretly planning to eat him. 
- Also he thought he was dating a completely different species which was cool.
- But he didn't know the star was a starfish. 
- Which is just another kind of fish. 
- At least in name.
- And what sort of stupid fish wants to date a stupid fish? 
- Plus he didn't even know he was a fish. 
- And even if he did know that he was a fish he probably wouldn't like it.
- Because he'd probably soon find out that he did in fact have a gumboot.
- In fact he lived in a sunken one.
- And who wants to find out that they've been telling people that they don't even know what gumboots are when it turns out they live in one? 

But on a nicer note he liked the taste of his own poop. 


Happy endings sure are nice. 

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