The truth about what is about to come, fuck you rapture

Apparently some crazy religious coot has predicted the end of the world again this coming week, and while crazy old coots are rarely wrong I for one think that our impending death is only a small part of the upcoming week that we need to give serious thought about. And as a crazy young coot I am in the perfect position to predict what’s going on. Here are MY predictions for the IMPORTANT stuff that’s going to happen this week. Take THAT old man!

A volcano on a small island of Indonesia will erupt; no one was hurt as it will be the first volcano to erupt soapy water. It is shall become the world’s biggest slip n slide!

Hell Yeah! We should go!

A man will attempt to eradicate starvation in Africa by collecting all pickles picked out of cheeseburgers, and all tofu picked out of Asian food, and sending it over.

Wow that’s gross, in protest I say we all agree to refuse to call cheeseburgers ‘cheeseburgers’ until the other ingredients get the same billing as the cheese!

Double chins will be renamed ‘chin scrotums’ or ‘chotums’ for short.

Damn it, now I wish I had a double chin, where can a guy get a friggin’ cheeseburger around here?

Someone will cook some lamb in New Zealand!

I think I’d make a good parent of a lamb. 'Where's the toilet?' You’re standing on it. 'Where's dinner?' You're standing on it. Well… good luck.

War will once again break out between Israel and Palestine, although both sides will agreed that the only weapons allowed are feathers, a spokesperson will say 'we’re going to laugh about this feud one day any way, why not laugh during it too'

That's awesome I can't wait to see Spielberg’s movie adaptation of the events, I hope it stars me, can any of you teach me a Palestinian accent?

A man will try to impress a horse by telling it ‘I knew your mother before she was glue’

That’s smart of him; if he said ‘before she was dog food’ it may have been upsetting.

Politicians in political settings will do something disappointing

Wait, WHAT? I thought politicians were flawless I'm shocked, damn it the whole world could be about to fucking end, oh my god. We better enjoy ourselves this week; this could be our very last chance to do certain fun activities that in my opinion are most enjoyable when shared between a man and a woman. DAMN YOU POLITICIANS! I bet they’ll even ruin the volcano slip n slide!

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