Sunday, December 20, 2015

No, NO, KNOW!!!

Look we all know a couple of things in life, and that's all. Just a couple of things, things we know for SURE.

And I'm not saying 'sure' in a -'go to the beach with you? Sure!' - way, when let's face it, by 'sure' you mean 'only if it's by the shore, I'm not going to no fucking lake beach motherfucker, oh also only if the weather is nice, sometimes it's windy and I get sand in my face, that's not very pleasant'. No I mean 'sure' like 'do something enjoyable with you which I personally have no exclusions or special need requirements? Sure!' way. And I'm talking when this unnamed person who is asking the questions you're responding 'sure', among other things, to is someone that the following could be an answer about them you'd say - 'do I think they're swell? Sure'! 

And those things we know are as follows:

- If you wanted to drink the entire ocean you'd want at LEAST a week.
- Buyer beware.... Of that cannon! Holy fuck, who brought a cannon into this juice kiosk? 
- There are many ways to skin a cat.
- Love, love is all you need (assuming they love you back, which they don't).
- Cynicism is swell. 
- The beaches are hard to swim at when the swell is too big.
- Fuck, why am I referencing the beach a lot today? I don't even like the beach.
- I wonder if it's because I got a lot of sun today?
- Maybe.
- I don't know.
- Who the fuck knows how my brain works.
- Lists are fun.
- If you really studied the fibers of your home carpet it'd probably end up looking really, really gross.
- Probably the same thing with the inside of a wetsuit.
- I bet if they DO love you back, at least one of you occasionally wears a wetsuit! Gross!
- Man you people make me sick.
- Jealousy is also swell. 

And that's it! That's all we know for sure. It's not a lot. It's a depressingly small amount of things that we know.

Well I say NO, we should all know more things to be able to say 'no, I don't need to know more about that, I already know enough, and no I won't go to the beach with you, and I think you know why I said no'.

THAT'S the sort of world I want to live in. And I'm going to make is so. So here is, something you may not already know, but should know: 

There is ALSO a lot of ways to RESKIN a cat! 

You know after it's been skinned. Which should be called deskinned shouldn't it. It started out with skin. You're not doubling its skin. You're removing skin. I mean if you 'scan' a document you're not removing the scan from it. Fucking language assholes, we're putting skin on a cat, so we're skinning a cat, why do the animal cruelty people get the cool word! (You know what, just for that grammar and word police, I'm not going to use flawless grammar and the like in today's blog, suck on that!) 

So here is, ways to RE-skin a cat:

1.  Buy some new skin at Cat Skin R Us, some cat skin glue at Skin Glue U Asked, and some cat skin glue applicators at Application Z Kt (kitty) Glue, and simply follow instructions.
2. Go to KFC, grab several huge buckets of original recipe chicken, take it to a party where every guest is a heavy subscriber to the carb free lifestyle, come by in the morning and collect all the skin they peeled off the chicken. Eat it (it IS the best bit) then repeat step 1.
3. Spend way too long at the beach, until your skin is all burned and peels off. Collect said skin. Put it in a small tub. Give it to a girl, saying 'this is the latest skin fad from Europe'. Watch her rub it into her skin. If her skin looks great the next few days then take out a patent on your new invention. If her skin looks awful then tell her what the product really was and laugh a lot. Then repeat number 1. 
4. Buy a life sized cat toy. Empty it out. Put your skinned cat inside. When it chews it's way out of this toy shell, then repeat step 1. 
5. Do nothing for an hour. Then repeat step 1.
6. Grow a new cat on the back of a rat, like they did with that ear that time. As it grows take bets on both when the rats back cat will turn on its
host rat and also whether the rat or the cat will win the fight. Use your vast winnings to repeat step 1.

So there you have it, six easy ways to reskin a cat. And now you know one more thing to add to your list of things you know. Now please don't make the rest of us look ignorant, you best be off to finish drinking the ocean, you've only got four more days! 

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