Saturday, December 19, 2015

The Validity Of Worry

I'm worried, worried that I will never in my life figure out just the right amount of stanleaping to aspire for. 

Now I know what you're thinking ... There is no WRONG amount of stanleaping. How could there be? Stanleaping is good in both small and large quanties, so how could any amount be wrong? 

And you make valid points, but consider these three equally as valid points:

1. Carlotta is an awesome name for a car the mob use for transferring bodies, because they could say it out loud in public and no one would bat an eyelid - typical conversation. 
'Come with us!' 
'Why? No? Why? Where are you taking me?' 
'Let's m just say you'll soon be deep inside Carlotta'.
'Well that sounds swell, let's go'. 
2. Sewing bats to your eyes would be an awesome way to make a cheap costume for a costume party - typical conversation:
'What are you dressed as?'
'What? Who said that? Is someone talking to me? I'm in a lot of pain, I can't see anything, and these bats have chewed deep enough into my skull to now be nibbling on brain, please please help me!' 
'Ha ha, wow, committing to the costume, love it, you could be in for the running for best costume, well if it actually was a costume, we did specifically write on the invite that sewing an animal to your eyes would not count this year, you know after the "Panda Eyes" lady last year, it really was in poor taste, especially since they weren't organic Pandas, and we were trying to raise funds for a health food movement'
'No no, I didn't read that part of the invite, I probably got too enthusiastic as soon as I had the idea, it's Blind As Bat, you know, I'm blind now, because  I have bats sewed to my eyes, it's like art imitating life' 
'Oh oh, I thought it was Wouldn't Bat An Eyelid, demonstrated by showing exactly WHY you wouldn't bat an eyelid, in a life lesson demonstrated by art situation. Oh in that case your costume sucks, it's blind AS a bat, not blind DUE to a bat, you freaking idiot' 
3. Sewing is a dying art form, which is sad, typical conversation:
'Oh my god, we're officially trapped on this desert island, we're almost certainly going to die, unless...'
'Unless what???'
'Quickly, sew us up a boat'
'What? Do I look like I know how to sew? I'm not a fag!'
'Woah, woah, woah, bad word man. Oh shit. I don't think I can even be friends with you if you're going to use that word'
'I didn't mean it man, it just came out, I don't like that word either, I'm sorry, it's a scary situation, and my emotions were on high, I won't say it again, I swear'
'Don't give me this heightened emotions shit, that's not an excuse, heightened emotions might pull that word from your mouth, but they don't put that word in your heart for it to be available. I'm going to go die alone on the other side of the island, hope your death goes well'
'It is NOT in my heart, you shit face, you know what, my death will be awesome, because I'll just be fantasizing about you being deep in Carlotta!' 
'What? Seriously, what? Now that's just WEIRD!' 
'No no no, it's not a sexual thing, ha ha, nah I just heard that's what the mob call the car they ship bodies around in, ha ha, I'm going to be thinking about your bloodied corpse, not you getting laid!'
'Ha ha, that's hilarious, cause I thought you were going to be thinking about like my penis in a girl named Carlotta, ha ha, that's funny'
'Wait, can YOU sew us up a boat?' 
'Of course not? What do you take me for, some sort of queer?' 

See, all also very valid points, and yet these examples are full of unforgivable levels of bad language, death, and bad costumes.

So perhaps valid is not what we're seeking today. Hmmm, lots to ponder. Thankfully when questions arise there is an easy solution, stanleap the fuck out of them! 

Ha ha, I just realized that you might think stanleaping is when you leap on a wise giant named Stan and demand answers. Ha ha, that'd be weird. Nah man, it's just when you imagine a starving foe with his dick in a girl with bats sewed to her eyes, so it's not weird at all. 

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