I'm not kidding here, it will NOT work on oceans, in rivers, near billabongs, or in big puddles, it will not work AT ALL.
Let's say that another way. You'll look like a dick if you try and use it somewhere other than a lake, and not the good kind of dick, but like a dick that makes people yell shit at you, shit like 'you look like a dick', or 'nice speed boat, looks like it doesn't work you dick', or 'nice boat dick', or even 'hey dick, you look like a dick'.
Let's put that another way, remember the first time you got caught staring at two birds fighting over a French fry, and everyone thought 'man, that dick thinks HE/SHE should be the one that gets to eat/ fight over that French fry, what a dick', and then to prove you weren't a dick, you ignored the French fry and instead fought a an old man for use of his cane, yelling 'I'd look WAY cooler than you with this cane' as you struggled to wrestle him to the ground, and remember how you lost that fight, and as he was belting you in the face with his cane and saying 'smarten up dumbass' and someone walked past and said 'look at that dumb ass, what a dick!'? Remember? Well if you try and use this speed boat in a river, you'll look like even more of a dick than you did then.
Let's put that another way - think of a green shoe. Any sort of green shoe. Could be a men's shoe, could be a lady shoe, could be a casual shoe, should be dress up shoe. It doesn't matter, just as long as it's a specific shoe. Got one in your mind? Now, remember that time that you thought of a specific green shoe just because someone told you to? Woah, man you looked like a dick! But not as much as a dick as you'd look if you tried to use this speed boat near a billabong. Wow, what a dick you'd look like.
Let's say this in a another way. Remember when you were looking at that person who was a dick, and you were like 'wow that guys a dick' and then you realized that you were actually looking in the mirror? And you were like 'wow. I am a dick'. Remember that? Well you get in this speed boat in a really big puddle, and you'll look like an even bigger dick than that time that even you thought you looked like a dick. And you're not someone who usually calls someone a dick unless they REALLY look like a dick. So man, you would look like a dick in this speed boat in a puddle.
So do you STILL want this speed boat? Yes? Well I'm not giving it to you. Because a speed boat like doesn't exist. ALL speed boats work on oceans, in rivers, near billabongs, or in big puddles. So if you want one then why not invent one then, I can't do everything for you! You dick.
YEP, this whole speed boat offer was a LIE, and it turns out therefore that it was not you, but me, who was the dick was this whole time! I'M the dick, and you're just a really nice person. Awww. Now don't you feel good about yourself. Yay.
Please note: throughout this blog the word 'dick' was intended to be used as a substitute in every case for 'literal penis'. If you read it any other way you're a total vagina.
Please note 2: throughout these notes the word 'vagina' was intended to be used as a substitute for 'awesome human', man I just can't stop making you feel great about yourselves!
Please note 3: go me for making you feel awesome.