We all know this story of course, and this isn't the origin story of the color Green, but as we all know Charles got beaten to the patent, and then got swindled by a country near the UK who took a huge shipment of fresh new green and paid only by naming their nation after him, a nice, yet financially moronic decision for Ireland.
Grassland then sued Bunford and were awarded Green in the settlement. They the renamed their country Greenland, to use as a marketing tool to sell the color Green which they began to export in earnest, mostly to rich countries around the world, and Green began to go for such a pretty penny that they didn't even keep any for themselves.
It was in this land, several years before all this took place, that a small baby boy to be named Nick, was born in a gritty hospital, in a gritty hospital bed, on a gritty weathered day, in a gritty part of town, and out of a vagina so gritty that there was never a doubt he'd be an only child.
His mother was a gritty woman who worked in the local grit factory, which was a new and coveted commodity in those days. His father was a revenge fucker, who only slept with Nick’s mother because the owner of the grit factory had outbid him on the newly invented pretty penny, which had already proven to be a massive blow to Father Clause.
'One day when I grow up I'm going to spoil all the seemingly happy well off shitty assholes until they ALL disappear!' He'd yell at no one in particular, as he'd sit at dinner eating a warm bowl of grit and washing it down with an ice-cold can of diet grit.
'What, are you going to get a job at the spoil store?' His dad would reply laughing, 'they'd never hire you, you're too fair, they only hire people dedicated to unbalance, and karmaprovedwronganites, you stupid shit'
'At least I dream of having a job Dad, I'll never end up a lazy bum!' He'd yell back. But he always felt really empathetic right after, as his dad dug into his own dinner, a bowl of lazy rectum, the least clean type of rectum.
No the people he looked up to were the badasses. The misfits. The provocateurs. The Rebels. The Nirvanas. The Stone Temple Pilots. The Creedence Clear Water Rivals. The My Chemical Romances. The kids that rejected cool so much that they became way more cool than even the cool kids could dream of. And this was Grassland remember, so being cool was all anyone had. These were kids so cool that one-day band’s would name themselves after them. (And yet Grassland is almost forgotten in terms of the story of Rock n Roll, for shame).
But they did also influence Santa. Nope Santa did not seek the regular normal life most craved. He wanted to be his own man. Like the kids he looked up to. And by being so he wanted to inspire the people of the world to be better and cooler and more badass than they’d ever been before. And the kids who lived that way all seemed to come from families who worked at a very specific place…
'Coal for anyone with a unique spirit, that's my plan!' he'd suddenly burst out with, after getting lost in daydreams.
Santa - The Real Truthful Gritty Origin Story