I want to launch a new internet talk show which will blow fucking minds away and redefine what people mean when they use the words 'entertainment' or 'watchable' (or just have a bit of fun, you know) and I need a hell yeah sidekick, so I'm going to talent search for one.
This is a talent search like no other ever before search for talent ever searched!!!
Not only do I have no cash prize, but I dont know where I will be living in the next few months so who knows if we can even do this job. (I believe in talk show creation and sex being premature is of up most importance) Actually fuck that, its LA people, I shall return soon, I will find a way, and this little idea of mine has way more chance of making it if I make it back to LA, because I like know people there, that are into TV and acting and stuff, so LA it is (likely contradicted later in this blog, but take my word for it) I am looking for talent in LA (that is unless someone was JUST about to offer me an awesome job somewhere else in which case fuck this competition I am fucking rich and famous)( that is unless its a shitty job, in which case I may do both)(I think I am over using brackets or parentheses as some may call it, I really am an abuser of things)(by the way I meant that bit way before, you better believe I can prematurely ejaculate hell yeah baby)(if your not into that ignore the last statement)(oh my god, get it out of your system right now dick head(())()())()), that feels better.
On the other hand if this thing takes off it will be a miracle and miracles are fucking cool!!!!!!
My dream sidekick shall include attributes or personality traits like this:
Be a talker, if you love to talk I can make you funny, and if you like to talk and are funny on your own I can just chill back, chip in a little weird statement and watch the money and chicks roll in
Be a good looking girl, got to get horny internet nerds to want to masturbate thinking about you, this is internet talk show key
Be a little bit nuts
Have some tech skills, I have very few (an ability to flirt your way into help from film tech types would be fine)
Have an ability to deal with a messed up mind like mine
And thats all it takes. Does anyone have any other suggestions on what a sidekick for me should be in possession of?
Do you want to volunteer to be my sidekick, do you want to nominate someone in Sydney, or perhaps LA or NYC (this is that contradiction I spoke of, make it LA please, unless I change my mind again, I do that a lot)!!!!
Your volunteering or nominating will literally change the history of the world (because the literal history kind of counts everything that ever happens doesn't it? If your specific enough, but please note this may or may NOT appear in future history books)(Keep in mind I have a big history based project in mind to do when I am older and wiser so I may add it to my own history books, stay tuned for those, they might be good)(I realize I did not get the ()()())((((()) out of my system. It turns out if you find an unnatural enjoyment for something and then you do it a whole bunch at once you still want to do it after. Please take note sex addicts, druggos, and alcoholics (if you do your own research and die from it, please don't tell me, it will make me sad, and I already have my own problems )()(()())(())(()((!!!!!!!!!
I want it to be a big world wide star search, which my millions (well beloved couple of hundred) of readers will participate in and fucking love.
Wait a minute I was sure I wrote this bit below earlier, and I can't be fucked to copy and paste right now, but this is another attribute of a potential side kick for me, actually there is three, and bad luck comes in threes, but its also third time lucky (feel free to make your own mind up if all three of these suggestions suck, or if the third one is lucky, or if cliches are annoying pieces of shit)
Be not too smart, or be really smart I can work really well with either, medium smarters can apply too, but please try and act or seem super smart or kind of dumb, also guys can apply if they are kind of lady like, or if they are just really funny.
Do not be a raging fan of injecting heroin through the eyeball
Be different, if you are a clone I dont really want you, unless you're like the clone of someone really talented and hot, then we can work on you, also if you are a clone, I might need to sell the scientific knowledge acquired by whoever cloned you, because that could be worth billions which would make an awesome budget for this show
Oh also writers, graphic designers, camera people, all those behind the scenes dealys, you want to work for free? Be on board hell yeah. I might try and build this into, you know like a thing, for people who want to work in the industry but want to carve there own path, and not be subject to the whims of the man (you know Howard Man, the guy who invented the calling out of a random sex as a way of suggesting your fighting back or something).
If you want to do an internet talk show but also want nothing to do with my show then contact me too, I might need a lead in, or a follow me, or competition or something, but I am going to set up like a little studio in my new home in Auckland New Zealand (I changed my mind again - just kidding, its still LA for now)(By the way I hate when people tell a joke and then say Just Kidding, if you mess up a joke so bad that people can't tell your kidding then saying just kidding doesn't do shit, I recommend instead punching yourself in the balls, that way people will either laugh or think you are a loose cannon psycho and not only will they never wish to mess with you, they shall (call back, hell yeah) laugh nervously at anything you say from now on, and a laugh is a laugh.
Speaking of laughs my show is going to have jokes like this:
Hey if your side kick is your side kick why are they on your side but then they don't kick you? Get it? Its like a play on words. A very sophisticated form of humor.
Although I guarantee we shall (someone would say we'll denying another shall a chance to live, you murderers) never do jokes like this:
If the President lives AND works in the White House, why isn't it called the White HOMEOFFICE!!!!!! Oh my god, I kill me
So thats my pitch. And its serious (as long as people actually volunteer, and/or nominate people and in reality invite a hundred friends each to participate) I will be doing a new internet talk show one of these days regardless, so be a part of it, it shall, (not it'll, that would murder a shall and sounds too much like little, TWO fuck ups) be awesomenessous.
PS. I like coining words and shall continue to do so often in my writing and performances, so keep your toes hot, because these things are going to be cool as a block of ice on a can of cupcake frosting
Awesomenessous - to be so awesome, people even kind of like it something, and others really like it, but others only kind of really like it, where as some find it weird and confusing and need to take a bush-walk to clear there sinuses (if they have a cold) and there minds.
Ps - My awesomenessous internet talk show is going to be live and interactive with my audience, so just be involved from the beginning, that way if it takes off you'll (sorry I mean) you shall be all "i was there from the beginning" and thats a pleasure you can wear as a supportive undergarment (I think that one was the official try too hard moment)
Love and hugs from
Oh psspps: I am going to have a book giveaway with this one, free book to the best interactive supportive person each week, so thats nice isn't it?