Friday, December 11, 2009

I shall return, oh hell yes I shall

So as of yesterday I no long am able to travel to the United States of America on a tourist visa. Yay for America, since my first trip when I was 15 in 1992 I have returned around 30 times, visited every state but Alaska (which I can't wait to see), visited every major and most minor cities, visited most National Parks, and loved every friggin minute of it, oh and spent thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars, which not to sound bitter in anyway, but I am not sure why the US Consolute in Sydney would wish to deny America my frequent cash injections.

But I shall return. Not just because I really want to, but how often do you get to use the word 'shall' these days. No one says I shall meet you for lunch, or I shall visit a bar for some drinks this evening. These days its all about 'will' and 'maybe' and even perhaps, sometime just 'a bar it is', or 'bar dude, hell yeah', but I shall make a pact to use shall more often and shall will return to its old lofty hights in the words used to you know suggest whether you will or wont do something, shall I make this a promise? Yes, I SHALL be a success in this mother fuckers.

Oh yeah, back to that serious stuff. I want to come back please (please read the past sentance in the voice of a four year as he is leaving Disney Land but really doesnt want to go yet, you know to get the emotion I am going for).

Basically for me to come back I need one of four things

- Be considered a successful enough artists in Australia to qualify under some special visa dealy they have where America lets proven talent from other nations have a crack at Australia. Hence fame me up Australia.

- Get a job in a skilled proffession in America. Are you a reader of my blogs, perhaps my book, or a fan of some other thing you have seen recently, and also a producer of a TV show, perhaps an editor of a magazine or newspaper, or even a radio guy thinking, hey this guy might be good to bring into my work and give him a job, or maybe you even just know one of these people, call now only one Dave available at this time and bound to go fast with this special offer, and here it is - Dave will do an awesome job for you and only needs to be paid the legal minimum for the industry, wow, Dave is available for 52 easy weekly payments of a wage per year, or just as easy bi-weekly payments, and Dave also has a return at any time along with a get out your fired clause in the very unlikely chance he doesnt turn out to be awesome. But wait there is more. If you get Dave Tieck this job, Dave will throw in either a steak knife that he fishes out of his cutlery draw, or a copy of his current book 'Losing my virginity 52 times'. plus a heartfelt thankyou, and a mention in his next books acknowlwgment section, and thats a prize you can show people at book shops (if his next one gets in there), buy now, offer is only available indefinately, or until someone else takes it up.

- A student visa, which means I need to be accepted into a school which offers these lovely little things, although pretty much all schools who do cost fucking shit loads of money. Anyone know and Arts schools in America which offer student visas or are reasonably priced?

- A significant change in my current situation, which I think means if I get a publishing deal over there, need to do a book, tour, potentially have some big meeting to go to, one of those types of things I think

By the way I want to come back because I fucking love it, here are some:
Things I love about America

The food - I can admit it, I'm a fast food dude. I am addicted, I want it as much as can without becomeing morbidly obese (and that second part may even change some time). Do you know in Australia there is no Carls Jnr (my fav), no Jack n the Box, no taco bell, no del daco, no In and out Burger, no whitecastle, no whataburger, no Hardies, and KFC here fucking sucks and you have to practically beg for a dipping sauce for your popcorn chicken.

Oh it gets worse. In Australia what America considers a small soda, we consider the LARGE! How dare they. And it costs more too. And I used to easily drink one of those super size me sodas (fuck you spurlock). Plus the bacon on our burgers is no where near as bacon delicious (fuck you Aussie pigs).

Oh it gets even worse.
In Australia during the breakfast menu (my fav, damn I wish I could wake up before 1030 occassionally) they have an item on the menu titled 'sausage mcmuffin' which I would eat for my last meal on death row, and another item called 'sausage and egg mcmuffin' which I dont mind, but often throw the egg out, so 9/10 times when you order a sausage mcmuffin they give you a sausage and egg mcmuffin. I NEVER SAID EGG YOU TWITS! When I order a quarter pounder I dont say give me a big mac, I order what its fucking called. Under my estimate, assuming everyone loves these as much as me, everyone would rather chuck out an egg than argue the point, and everyone faces this same problem, two billion egss have been wasted, and chickens have to squeeze those things out there assholes, stop being mean to the chickens McDonalds, for the love of god.

Also in Australia there is no Dennys no Ihop or traditional american diners, and I need my pancakes with a side of bacon (the delicious crispy american style, again fuck you pigs in Australia, grow your ass right or whatever part of you it is), side of eggs, side of toast, side of hashbrowns, side of sausage links, side of sausage paties, because thats a real breakfast. Plus I mostly eat that at night, and we dont sell breakfast at night, it makes no fucking sense.

Oh plus deep fried bar finger food, we have no mozerrella sticks, onion rings, chicken strips, all that kill you young delicious. I have to be healthy when I am drinking out here and it just makes me so godamn furious!!!

The drinks - I'm running out of time to write this piece, so all I need to say is this Diet Dr Pepper. I am fucking addicted and I cant get it here and I literally am suffering from withdrawals. We cant even Dr pepper for fucks sake (They tried it and people thought it had pepper - stupid inventor who wanted to pork some girl so named his drink after her dad, a true moronic genius.) Plus the myriad of diet soda, I drink thirty cans a day and cant get anything good here.

The people - Oh more important stuff. Australia and Sydney used to be laid back friendliness, then Sydney got the Olympics and we've become stuck up self important pretentious fucks. I hate it. People are WAY friendly and quick to a laugh and fun, and interesting in America. Plus they love Aussies, and I love being unique, its win fucking win.

The support of the arts - It might not seem that way, but by jesus america supports the arts from big budget movies, to karoake TV shows, to all of the significant more recent art movements from pop art, to hip hop, runge, punk, 80's metal, the stand up comedy boom of the 80's, and basically talent rises in America, and people support rising scenes, and thats why your stuff spreads around the world. Its freaking awesome.

The variety and diversity - in people, nature, cities, food, ideals, art, accents, the phrase only in America could only develop in America because America just has so much awesome stuff.

I got to run, but I love that place, and I shall return and I shall return shall to its rightful place, and I shall do some other stuff that I can't think of right now.

Missing you America, hope to see you soon,
Love Dave

Ps no time to edit, sorry America, I'll make it up to you

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