Friday, December 11, 2009

A letter to David Tieck, from Simon Tolder

Dear David,

I am not sure if you remember me, but eight years ago you performed a comedy set at my seventh birthday party. First off I want to apologize to you with all my heart for how I acted that day, I was immature and selfish, and I know its a bit rich to blame my age for my behavior but I was only seven. No, no, I am sorry, that is no excuse, I was rude and unappreciative and for that I am truly sorry.

To be honest (and I am sure you already know this) you were freaking hilarious. And the fact that I failed to laugh had nothing to do with the lack of quality of your jokes (because there was no lack of quality) but to be quite serious it was because your first joke about ceiling fans blew my mind. By which I mean right there, in that moment I knew what I wanted to do with my life - research and explore the history behind the worlds most optimistic inventions. Because really you were so right, those things just make the exact same air move gently, and they sold billions of them! There was something in that which I just knew the world needed to know more about.

I am pleased to tell you that this wasn't just some pathetic seven year old pipe dream. I knuckled down that day, I became serious about this, and I have dedicated the last eight years of my life to this cause and little else (well I did need to get a little more standard education, I was only seven after all).

I digress. Mr David Tieck, I am writing to you today, first to apologize, secondly to thank you, but third and most importantly to invite you as my honored guest to the launch of my first book - The worlds most optimistic inventions that we all still buy. I have dedicated the book to you, and in the introduction I give full credit to the wonderful comedian David Tieck, who did more than entertain me, he made me think, and changed my life, and hopefully by inspiring this book changed the world. Dare I say it, the worlds most underestimated comedian is you, but together I think we are going to take the world by storm after this.

By the way, I'll let you in on a little secret, the conclusion to the book, do you want to know it? Damn me I can't keep it in while writing to my hero.

Here it is, after eight years of research and study, the official worlds most optimistic invention is, drum roll drldrldrldrldrl

The toilet seat with the three inch gap that supposedly lets a man urinate without lifting the seat or getting pee on the seat.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know it don't you. There it is, you think to yourself, should I lift the seat? And then you think hell no, there is a gap, I know i've never managed to only get pee in the bowl and/or in that gap before, but if they keep wanting to challenge me, I'll get freakin trying!!!

They've sold three billion of these things, can you believe it?

I am sure you can see I am excited about this. So I hope so much you can come, and once again - THANK YOU, you are an inspiration.

Much love,
Simon Tolder

Ps - the world is now called rape land? rotfl, how did I miss that eight years ago - thats genius!!!!!

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