I only did one gig as a children’s performer, here is why

Hi kids, my name is David Tieck and it’s great to be here for Simon’s seventh birthday party!


So I think the ceiling fan is the worlds most optimistic invention, I really do, ‘hey man, its hot in here, what if we attached something that spun on the roof that made this very same hot air move gently!’, Seriously man, that’s why these days you’ll be hanging with buddies on a really hot day and everyone will say ‘lets go to John place, he’s got a ceiling fan, bound to be cool over there!’


Oh you didn’t laugh Simon. Not funny to you? I guess you’re one of those spoiled kids with air-conditioning in his house.

(Ok stay calm David, try another one) I think the laziest people on earth are movie set prop departments, do you know how many heroes lives are saved because guns aren’t loaded properly, come on guys, how hard is it to load a gun?


Nothing Simon? You don’t watch movies, it all about video games in your generation? These are the jokes I wrote specifically for you kids, you little bastards. (Keep it cool David)


Ok, you want some adult jokes do you? Women are always saying to me ‘I wouldn’t date you if you were the last guy on earth!’ and I’m like ‘Really, cause if I’m the last guy on earth then you better or I’m re-naming earth “rape land”.


Oh for fuck sake Simon. Kids jokes don’t work rape jokes don’t work, what do you want from me? (forget him Dave, just push on)


Restaurants think you are there to party no matter how many of you come ‘Smith Party of six’, ‘Tieck party of two’ I don’t know about you, but when I go to get a sandwich with my mother for lunch it aint no party!


Fuck you Simon. What you’ve never been to a restaurant, you think parties are all fun and games don’t you? Your seven today Simon, aren’t you, well let me tell you something, ten years from now the only thing you will want to do at a party is try and get a girl to let you put your penis in her mouth, and she is probably on a diet so she’ll have recently eaten sushi, you know what that is don’t you, yes raw fish, your going to be desperate to put your wee wee in a dirty girls mouth full of chewed up raw fish, and here is the kicker when she says no, and she will, you’ll be so upset you’ll get in a fist fight with a friend, WITH face punching, and you’ll fall asleep in a pile of your own vomit, yeah that’s right you still think parties are fun Simon?


(Come on David, don’t let em beat you, go to your gold)


Some women with kids will now refer to themselves as ‘Yummy Mummys’

What do you want, someone to eat you?


Oh fuck you Simon, you know how I got this gig Simon I put my penis in your mothers vagina, you know where you came from Simon, your mothers vagina, that’s right Simon, only she enjoyed me being in there, you just ripped it apart.


Oh you are going to get me fired are you Simon? Do you want a joke about teachers maybe? You want me to play down to your level, ok, so why did my teacher get fired? Because he gave a detention the wrong kid my friend. Yeah me, and I had that bitch fired, that’s what happens when you cross me Simon.


Oh I’m evil


You have a poodle don’t you, do you know what would happen if I go inside the house and stared into your poodles eyes, he would turn evil, and when you have an evil poodle in your house things change my friend, your going to have a lot pile of me living in your dog and he’s going to bite you, and lick the blood out of your wounds! So you better laugh at a joke Simon, you better let it out right now.


So I gave up smoking recently, only it was easy, because I had never started.


Didn’t I just warn you Simon? I told you to fucking laugh or I was going to make your poodle full of my evilness, and even then you couldn’t squeeze out even a tiny chuckle? Well that’s it Simon, you have ruined the gig, and ruined your own fucking birthday party my friend, and you know what else, a Smurf cake? What, is this birthday in 1982? You unoriginal shit! Fuck you Simon, I’m out of here.


It just kind of got worse from there.

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