Friday, December 18, 2009

Its just wrong people, hell yeah wrong

This week an Australian man was fined $10,000 (ok it was a sportsman and he was finned by his club, but he was arrested first) for urinating in public on the same week a study came out that there are now around 400,000 dogs in my state of NSW, thats right, I know what your thinking, and your right, 400,000 dogs are out there laughing in our faces because they get to piss where ever they want and us humans are caged in by our leaders and police refusal to allow us to put our urine anywhere not made from porcelain, and like you I am outraged.

Not just dogs either, wild animals are pooping and pissing everywhere and we allow it, but humans cant do it anywhere!! It's madness.

Australian police have announced a crack down on public urination this xmas/new years period, and frankly I want to piss in peace.

Ok, I am not saying I want a world that stinks of piss, but if I cant piss why can dogs?

What I am really saying, of course, is I drink lots of liquid, and therefore I piss a lot, and there are like no public toilets on earth anymore, and sometimes I really need to go, and there is only so much urine you can drip out of your penis hole before you have a very embarrassing wet patch on your pants.

What I am really saying, of course, is that I have basically pissed my pants in public a bunch of times as an adult, and the alternative is often pissing in public, which is ILLEGAL FOR ME AND NOT FOR DOGS!

Thanks cops.

Here are some true embarrassing urine stories

A friend of mine once, while trying to avoid arrest for urinating in public, snuck in to a dark alley corner and accidentally pissed on a homeless man

A few years back two friends of mine were arrested in Amsterdam for pissing in public (turns out they accidentally pissed on a police station, directly under a security camera) the next day they both fucked prostitutes (not relevant, but it should still be noted)

About a year ago I was wearing what turned out to be particularly absorbent pants, couldn't find a toilet, and it was still light out, and I couldn't find a quiet spot, I soon had a wet patch around my groin as big as a basketball, and I had to walk right up through the main packed area of Hollywood Blvd with someone I didn't know well (my method to deal with this was suddenly talk so consistently and fast he never got the chance to say, 'hey Dave, did you just piss your pants?')

Reasons urinating in public is cool

- Because it saves water from flushing and that and waters gardens, hell yeah I just enviromentalised your ass
- If a dog licks it up its hilarious
- If a bug drowns in it you can easily say 'well there is my revenge for that one time a fly landed on my cupcake'
- You don't wash your hands after so your next few handshakes really count (in this situation I recommend shaking hands with nightclub bouncers)
- If your a girl us boys can enjoy watching you navigate your clothes so you can squat just right
- It makes you like a fountain, and if you don't like fountains then thats all the government needs to prove your a communist (more dangerous during the cold war, but still never let anyone know you don't like fountains)
- There were no toilets in Jesus's day, what, are you too good to pee like Jesus did?
- Because adult diapers will make you look like you have huge but mushy genitals
- Street hooligans do it and if we're ever to understand what motivates someone to live a life of street hooligisming then we should at least be willing to take a urine in their shoes (you can also stab someone in the face to understand them better, but you may get in trouble, you know cause stabbing people in the face is frowned upon)
- If you have blood in your urine but your too scared to see a doctor a doctor may by chance see you urinating bloody urine on a mail box, which just goes to prove that a complete unwillingness to urinate in public is guaranteed to kill you
- Because you can write your name

Hell yeah!

So lets take a stand people. I want a million urine river flowing towards Washington and Canberra (Aussie DC) tomorrow morning. (and other capitals I can't be bothered to list). Call your friends, because tomorrow I am pleading with you piss where you please, please!!!!!!!!!!

By the way have you ever entered a restaurant bathroom and been GLAD to discover a bathroom attendant, you know with those mints and stuff? If so you're weird. Just saying.

Ps the reason that people are uncomfortable talking about masturbation is because we ALL do it, so can some of you please stop so the rest of us can talk about how strange you are? (I was already talking about the activities of our genitals so yes, it makes perfect sense to raise this now!)

I had one more thing I was going to put here, but I forgot what it was, just saying.

Oh wait, something about pigeons I think.

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