Saturday, December 19, 2009

This is just bad kiddies

Not good. Last week I wrote a bunch of talk show monologue jokes trying to get inside of the mind of Jimmy Fallon and hope that he would give me a job writing for his show. I just looked back over them, my god, these really aren't good.

So with that awesome lead in, please imagine Jimmy Fallon saying the following.

Monologue Jokes – written week of December 7th – 11th

A recent study out of the University of Minnesota has determined that casual sex does NOT damage emotion well-being

So crises adverted people, Lindsay Lohan is doing just fine after all

On the other hand it was confirmed that a complete lack of sex DOES damage emotional well-being

As a result Ryan Seacreast has been put on suicide watch

Sarah Palin was at a book signing this week and a man tried to throw tomatoes at her

Palin wasn’t affected though and in fact didn’t even notice what was happening, but in her defense when you can see all the way to Russia it’s hard to concentrate on what’s happening in just one room

.. ..

Everyone is still talking about the student who asked Obama if he’ll legalize drugs to help stimulate the economy

Everyone that is except Snoop Dogg who’s been too high to read the news for 22 years

It’s been reported that prostitutes in Copenhagen have been offering delegates at the Global Warming summit free sex

As a result the delegates have changed the main topic of discussion from ‘how can we stop global warming’ to ‘how can we maintain global warming so we can have this summit every year’

When asked for comment on the summit Bill Clinton merely screamed ‘Copenhagen more like Cop-a-hard-on!’

This week billionaire Richard Branson unveiled his new space ship which he claims will take tourists into space for $200,000 from 2011

It sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the projected cost for 2011 Yankee tickets

Adam Lambert was on the View this week in what was considered a bold move by the View

This is of course because it was the first time the show has ever included an attractive female

It’s also been reported that Adam Lambert may perform at the Oscars

Producers were worried at first, until they were reminded there was no way the Oscars could be any gayer than Hugh Jackman’s Oscars last year

New England.. quarter back Tom Brady and his super model wife Gisele Bunchen had a baby boy this week

Everyone is saying the kid is bound to be attractive, talented and successful, but I don’t know? Seems like a risk naming him Jan Brady

I man is suing Caesars Palace for allowing him to gamble away over a 150 million dollars in one year in their casino

Meanwhile Tiger Woods was heard saying ‘really, you can make stupid moronic mistakes and sue someone else for it? I’m suing those two female teachers I walked in on having sex for making me so horny I couldn’t stop”

Now where is my talk show writing job?????????

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