Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Some AMAZING things I just discovered at the gym

It turns out having brown poo is a sign your not eating ENOUGH chocolate! Who knew? That mother digestion really is a tricky tricky bitch.

If you have an asian name which sounds sort of like a really fun swear which would make kiddies giggle then you should name a restaurant after it because then you'll get free advertisement at

Warning: Never ever go to www.funnybusinessnames.COM it is a front for a mafia money laundering scheme, and you don't want to be one of 'those', by which I mean someone so cool you literally are living out the life of the Sopranos without a fucking care in the world, cause cool kills.

The word gumption means to have like a good work ethic NOT to have a phobia that your left shin bone is actually made of rubber and one day may grow hard should it ever be exposed to a brick which has been exposed to a heat so hot that the brick has morphed into some weird rubber hardening evil gas. Fuck me, I am suddenly no where near as scared of having gumption than I once was.

If you too want to make discoveries as AMAZING as this head to your local (or not local if you kind of like driving a long way, I recommend and excellent CD by one of your favorite musicians to make your drive even more entertaining) and simply work out, it will have no other benefits, but discoveries people, discoveries. AMAZING ones.

If you want to change the color of your poo, here is a helpful guide of what chocolate to eat

For red poo - Eat chocolate with a hazelnut cream centre
For purple poo - Eat pure white chocolate
For yellow poo - Eat half a snickers, then a whole pack of regular M&Ms then eat the other half of the snickers
For green poo - Eat two pounds of any chocolate formed into the shape of a weapon
For rainbow colored poo - Eat seventy two after dinner chocolate peppermint squares, not more than seventy two, not less, exactly seventy. I don't want to get letter from people saying 'I ate seventy three after dinner chocolate peppermint squares and my poo is still brown", thats YOUR fuck up not MINE.

Red, purple, yellow, green and rainbow are the only possible poo colors, plus brown of course, not ask me why, ask mother digestion, she's a funny one.

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