Wednesday, July 22, 2015
'Lean in, lean as far as you can, until your thighs are aching like like a little girl told her doll will get its head reattached "in a minute", and your calfs think you're about to attempt to launch yourself into the stratosphere and are starting to question where this desire to fly originated and why it wasn't informed earlier, "we've got to communicate damn it", and your groin muscles are screaming "no one will laugh at us anymore after this ordeal, our days of being the giggliest part of the body are done, suck on that respiratory gland" and your face is going "alright calm down, CALM the FUCK DOWN, this nose is already a little crooked and we do not want to give the people MORE reason to miss the sparkle in our eyes, do you not remember July 15th 2011 and the horrific 'did you used to be a boxer incident?'", and your lower back is muttering "core muscles aren't showy and glamorous, so we don't work our core do we? Fucking asshole, no one cares about me, well wait 58 more years when I give out you dick, you just see how much it turned out you needed me" and the guy standing on the other side of the street is yelling "you alright mate, you look like you're about to topple over like a man made of a really rubbery cheese on a really rubbery cheese unfriendly time of the year due to consistent wind", and a bird comes and perches on you, on the most horizontal part of you, which is no longer your shoulders but now your back, and starts squawking, cause when it typically lands on people it lands on their shoulders and then pecks on their delicious ear wax, but now your ears are all the way over there so what the fuck is it supposed to peck on now damn it! Moles? Those taste like shit! I'm saying lean motherfucker, until your beautiful sparkly eyes are as close to the ground as possible, and you tell that gnat to "drop the fucking letter g already, you ain't fooling anyone" screamed Scott Seilder, life coach, to his new client Ron Killon.
'Um, ok, when I said I feel like the letter g on the word gnat, I just meant I feel useless, it's not actually about the gnat' replied Ron.
'Alright just be a pussy your whole life then' snapped Scott.
Ron was starting to think he didn't need a life coach after all, on the other hand for the first time in his life rhinoplasty seemed important. Yep, this sure was $978 poorly spent.