Breaking News Everybody:
It is, as I type, 11:22 on Saturday night.
The air around me, in my present and immediate environment, surrounding my person and aura, is brisk, chipper and almost hysterically cool, due to it being the heart of winter and I not owning any form of heating.
The rest of my environment full of the noise of my washing machine on spin cycle, which is cleaning my clothes, which grew tainted from their exposure to the human world, the dirty world, the unclean coming from man's lack of grace, oh and from dirt.
My body is feeling lackadaisical and disresplendent after just completing a participation in a lukewarm shower, the result of current pipe and/or pump issues which continue to strike my building with fear and a lack of bathing satisfaction.
And it is in this state, this condition, that I bring news, news which is sure to interest almost everyone, or at LEAST no one...
Yes it's true, after long discussions, deep debate, and extraneous amounts of thought using my brain, I have officially made the following drastic and complicated decision - I am staying in for the evening.
Alright, calm the fuck down everyone.
This is obviously very new information, as recently as two hours ago I was ‘thinking of maybe going somewhere, I’m not sure where though’ and at that time, I know I speak for us all, in that we all felt comforted and reassured by that information.
It was, at the time, a clear sentiment and yet full of possibility, and even opportunity. And those are things that make almost everyone feel good, and optimistic.
Except donkey herders of course, who like their futures to be ironclad and inauspicious in promise, due to the fact that in their life a surprise is almost ALWAYS a back kicked hoof to the dick, and on the rare occasions it is not this, it’s a back kicked hoof to the vagina (not that there are many female donkey herders, only that once you’ve been kicked in the dick by a donkey a hundred plus times everything kind of turns inside out).
But the information changed, as information is want to do, that’s why they call it the information ‘age’ not the information ‘airtight zip-locked sandwich bag’ (although fun fact if you put your watch in one of those, fill it with water, zip-lock it tight, throw it in the freezer, wait six months, while never once taking your eye off the freezer, then pull it out and throw it into a bonfire, then you will have wasted a LOT of time, and a watch, and a bag of water, and a zip-lock bag, and whatever pants you’ve been peeing and shitting in for six months, oh and it seems like while you were watching the freezer some silly practical joker lit a bonfire in your house).
This new information is therefore still obviously fresh and new and recent and unexplored and uncharted, except a little bit around the edges, which is where information tends to store it’s ‘huh’ zone anyway.
So calm the fuck down. Obviously I will have more on this as more comes to hand and not one second before, or more.
Clearly this new information will not literally come to hand, who hands people information now? Get with the times you dicks!
So fucking WHAT if it's sensitive information? Just say it - 'the rash IS contagious' ok, then let me decide whether I need to say 'shush' or whether I need to say 'shhh', it's my body my choice!
That's a good catch phrase, by the way, rash societies should jump on that.
Just like the rash jumped on THEM, am I right?
No I'm not! Shame on you. Airborne rashes are no laughing matter you dicks, especially ones with the ability to 'spring', or 'launch' themselves.
Cause that involves knees, possibly even ankles, you think a rash with knees and ankles is something to laugh about?
The next step after that will be the development of hips, and possibly even thighs.
Plus, I'm gonna learn you here, some rashes are RED! You got a red thighed rash on your neck and who do you think is gonna come calling?
That's right, dermatologists.
And do you realize how hurtful it is when a dermatologist says to you 'oh that's interesting'.
I know it's interesting you dick, that's why I brought it to you, you think I'm gonna bring you an uninteresting, possibly even boring, rash?
That would make ME one of 'those' people.
And 'they' often naysay potentially exciting new space exploration projects.
'See that star, it's twinkling right now, but just twelve hours from now it may well be twinkle free, and twinkling is my preferred star condition and presentation' I'll say, to site a recent example.
'I say nay to your plan to build a rocket ship out of your old Dell, the congregation of cockroaches in your mega-roach-trap and fuel made out of sour milk, keroisine and thoughts about 'what Jack Kerouac would think about modern professional golf', I say nay all day' they responded.
What the fuck? And that's the world YOU want to live in? With roach traps un-emptied, sour milk turned clumpy and 'bout the same' unverbalized???
The point is, staying in is FUN. And it's too cold. Plus it's like 12:39 now which is too late to go anywhere anyway. So stop fucking judging me!!!
Besides you're the weirdos that wanted to know what I think about the modern world of professional rashes.
At least that's how I remember it.
Ps. 'Bout the same'.