Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Reven, the Bear Headed Raven

Reven, the Bear Headed Raven, was beginning to limp.
He knew instinctively this was bad.
Because things don't typically begin and then just end.
It would not be described as a beginning in that case. 
Things that begin... then continue. 
No one was saying that Reven, The Bear Headed Raven, was 'temporarily' limping for example.
Which would have been bad it's own right. 
Limping of any kind being a sign of injury. 
Injury being a sign of weakness.
And weakness being a sign of deliciousness. 
I mean who among us hasn't sat around Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner and said 'Mmmmmm, yum, this Turkey is weaker than a little girl with polio'?
So I'm glad I cleared that up.

And even though the bear part of Reven had no natural predators.
The raven part had many. 
It's part and parcel of being a new species.
Most of the animals that are potentially destined to eat you have yet to have a taste and are keen to try you out. 
Even if they risk having their face eaten off themselves by your bear parts. 
But when it comes to new meat flavors, sometimes it's worth losing a cheek, and maybe an eye, for a sample.
Which is where the popular phrase to describe someone who is hungry 'you look like like you're seething with cheekless eye envy' originated. 
So I'm glad I cleared that up. 

Finding a mate was hard too. Whether gimped with a limp OR fully fit. 
Bears weren't attracted to him because bears are notoriously not attracted to wings.
Some even go as far as to say 'I wouldn't bang a winged creature with a koala's dick'.
Koalas of course being the go-to make fun of species to bears, given them wearing the bear moniker, but in no way honoring the spirit in the title. 
Pandas are of course very happy about this, as it rescues them from much mocking in bear circles.
Sometimes they'll make fun of koalas themselves, saying epically cruel things like 'yeah have another nap', or 'ha ha you eat leaves, everyone knows shoots are where it's at'. 
Deep down though they feel ashamed of themselves, 'bullying to avoid bullying, how did it come to this?' They'll think while trying to make a koala cry. 
It leads to a lot of panda shame-based erectile dysfunction, but that's a whole other issue. 
It's kind of like the Welsh making fun of the Irish, in hoping to avoid the English making fun of them. 
Which finally explains why the Welsh rarely getting caught banging Pandas.
So I'm glad I cleared that up. 

And ravens are scared of mating with a bear headed creatures. 
Because due to an evolutionary anomaly the bear head was looking backwards, and so it would look you right in the eyes during coitus, which ravens hate.
Due to them usually preferring to close their eyes and pretend they're actually making love with parrots and toucans. 
Which is where the popular pick up line 'hey baby, you're more colorful than the minds-eye of a nut busting scavenger bird' comes from.
So I'm glad I cleared that up.  

But finding a mate wasn't on Revens mind today.
Only the limp.
Oh and the lizard that, in an incident possibly related to the limp, had earlier bitten Reven's leg and gotten it's teeth stuck in the section between the flesh and the pointy nail/ talon type bit.
And was now being dragged all over the place.
With Bear Headed Raven blood n' puss constantly pouring into its mouth.
Threatening to drown it any minute.
But for now it was living in a hell beyond anything it had ever imagined.
Where being eaten alive would be a be an utter dream right now. 
Which is of course where the classic catholic prayer 'my father in heaven, I'd rather be eaten alive than be the least cool type of reptile drowning in the blood from a for how mythical, but in the future probably real, part dark and mysterious bird, part badass mammal creature, oh plus leprosy looks shit, Amen ' comes from. 
But we all knew that, so that doesn't clear up squat. 

This could easily have been the lizards story of course, rather than Revens. 
But who gives a fuck about stupid lizards, the least cool reptile?
Well the Welsh do. 
But even koalas make fun of them. 
Which is where the hilarious joke 'a lady koala and a Welsh woman walk into a bar, and the barman says, sorry we don't serve drugged up chlamydia riddled whores here, but what would you like Miss Koala?' comes from. 
So I'm glad we cleared that up.

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