Monday, December 7, 2015

It's called love people

I know what you're thinking - 'I own a pet dog/ cat/ possibly a ferret or some other thing from the rodent family, and I think it would be fun for both it and I, if I were to print out a picture of a squeaky bone/ dead bird/ I don't know, what's in those pellets? Pigeon toe-nails and horse hoof? So I guess maybe a hollowed out hoof filled with pigeon toes, and take that picture, staple it to my face, and then have an extra special fun time playing with my pet, but I don't know where to start?' 

Well I'm glad you came to me, because I can absolutely help you with your dilemma here. Here are some steps I highly recommend you taking immediately: 

First up: try and figure out what EXACTLY your pet is. There is no point stapling a picture of a dead bird to your face, when a horse hoof bowl of pigeon toes was a better option. 

Here's is a fun trick you can play to tell exactly what sort of pet you have: - Get a jar of peanut butter.
- Now cover your hand in it, the peanut butter that is, you don't want to use the jar, because if it is glass it may break and cut you, we're not doing anything crazy today.
- Now slowly insert your entire hand deep into the throat of your pet.
- If your pet now licks it up, and possibly gnaws off several fingers, congratulations! You have a dog. Wow, s/he's strong! 
- If your pet says 'meow' in a tone that you can easily translate to mean 'no chance dude, I'm way too swift and agile for that' then nicks off, climbs a bookshelf and knocks down all of the pictures of your deceased family members, then congratulations! You have a kitty! Awww, I'm jealous. 
- If your pet explodes into a spray of flesh chunks, hair and peanut butter stuck to rodent organs then, commiserations, you had a rodent, but you can get a new one at the pet store for a buck twenty five, or get one in the sewer for the simple cost of a piece of cheese, a net, and a tip off from the mob as to where they typically dump corpses these days, find a fresh enough corpse and you may even find six or seven new pets!

By now you should know what sort of pet your dealing with, if it's the third one I hope you paid that mob guy for the tip, or else it will be YOU helping people get pets next week, ha ha. 

Secondly: Now it's time to talk logistics, so let's get practical.

Please do NOT use a typical desk stapler. Those require pressure from both sides, so squeezing your head between the arms could be awkward, and pressing on the back of your skull may hurt a tad, we don't want pain here. Plus the only way to get one of those is to steal one from work, which is just plain wrong, don't you know that the work experience kid needs to steal those to support his new glue habit? And if you steal them first he'll have to start stealing the office glue, which would be awful, because stealing is wrong.   

Instead I recommend that you use an industrial curtain mounting stapler. Your local curtain mountaineer will probably let you borrow theirs if you distract them by lighting their storerooms on fire. I recommend going with a chemical fire, they're harder to put out, which buys you time, plus the smells can be delightful. 

(Bonus points: Got a significant other? Nick a fabric sample book, you may be able to finally stop them complaining that you never help decorating your home, plus they usually have a good twenty - fifty samples, so you've got birthdays and Christmases covered for years!) 

Once it's time to jam this metal into your face I recommend that you do NOT aim for the eyes, sure it's a softer entry, but eyes won't grip as tight as say forehead, which means you may end up with several re-insertions, which could cost you valuable play time. 

Thirdly: Well that's all the important stuff out of the way, now I just have, well, I guess it's a personal opinion to get across, which I normally don't like to do when giving advice, but I feel like it should be said - ARE YOU INSANE, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU STAPLE A PICTURE OF A SQUEAKY BONE, A DEAD BIRD OR A HORSE HOOF BOWL OF PIGION TOES TO YOUR FACE???????

Are you just fucked in the head? 

I mean seriously, if you genuinely love your pet, why wouldn't you staple an ACTUAL squeaky bone, dead bird or horse hoof bowl of pigeon toes to your face? 

It's called love people, and your pets deserve it. 

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