There's an Ancient Chinese saying of wisdom that I coined recently – ‘If you're headless and you ride a horse you're the headless horseman, but if you're headless and you ride an evil robot dragon that's probably how you lost your head you idiot!’
I like this saying for four main reasons:
1. It's very wise.
2. Because I came up with it.
3. It's a reminder that there is danger everywhere, at all times and it wants YOU!
(Fact: Danger lies in bed at night dreaming of you. It wakes up in the morning and wipes it's phlegmy drool on its still sleeping lover's face just rabid for you. Danger sometimes even sits bolt upright at its desk at work, with steel fire in its eyes, and has to walk over to its boss and say 'mind if I take a quick break boss, I'm feeling insane desire for you again' and sometimes it's boss says 'again? Look you can't take another break until the Harrison account is balanced okay, I'm sick of you letting your personal life come into this office, we're accountants damn it, numbers ARE our personal lives, not deep seated yearning for people' and that makes danger covet you even more, so much so that sometimes it replies 'but boss, please, I don't just yearn you, I CRAVE you, I boil with lustful NEED for you, like a perfectly boiled batch of French Fries' and then danger goes home and thinks to itself 'man sometimes I feel like I missed my calling by becoming an accountant, but you have to take the safe option in life sometimes don't you, I mean I want everyone, especially you, and I can't get them following some fancy pipe-dream "fun" career'. Yep danger wants you BAD! And you may think that you're safe while its at work, but I'll tell ya, when that Harrison account is balanced danger could be on break ANYTIME!)
4. It has a cool evil robot dragon in it.
The wisdom of this saying has affected me deeply, and it's in my deep spots where I make decisions, and my deep spots are always deciding to say to me 'listen to wisdom, and listen to it NOW, then respond to it with something BIG!'
Now if there is one thing people all know about me, it's that if I need to do something BIG, and if it has to be done NOW, then I always, ALWAYS, do that thing NOW, and I make it happen in a BIG way!
That’s why since this saying came into my life, over the following months I instantly made lots of changes. I bought stocks in several mechanics and technology companies, hoping to make some of that sweet evil robot dragon cash for myself. I fired my accountant after I realized he was probably taking way too many breaks. And I started to come up with ways to spot danger BEFORE it got me.
I tried several methods before I found one that worked, walking around yelling 'I see you there, you can't hide from me!' hoping that danger wouldn't know that I was lying. Bathing in squid slime every morning hoping that danger would abhor the smell as much as I did. And having my mate Kev walk three feet in front of me at all times while constantly whipping him with a bullwhip hoping danger would think that I was on its side. All these methods worked at times, but then for some reason strangers would look at me funny, sometimes even with scorn, and I knew that it was danger at work letting me know I hadn't beaten it.
Then God intervened - and gave me a gift.
God's given me lots of gifts so far in my life, including but not limited to:
- Perfect powers of perception.
- Dream ability to detect the presence of people who are dicks.
- The skill to pretend to be a ghost monkey for periods up to twelve minutes without a single person pointing out that this was implausible (today I got away with it for nearly twenty eight seconds, which is EASILY within up to twelve minutes).
- A capacity to never be on a farm for more than four minutes without saying 'a farm, seriously, why would you bring ME here, you dick, why are you ALWAYS bringing me here?'
- The power to be on a farm and spook the cows WITHOUT spooking the pigs.
- The aptitude to then prove I still wasn't scared of the cows, by climbing into the bull pit.
- The dexterity to say 'yes I WILL really prove it' then slapping a bull in the face.
- The competence to tell my friends to video what would then take place.
- Discovering now that that dick Kev had totally worn out my bullwhip, but then having the talent to then only get gored in the soft bits of my torso.
- The intelligence to look up 'ability' in the thesaurus while in the hospital waiting for my wounds to heal.
- And the resourcefulness to tell my friends 'I've been cooped up in a hospital bed all week, you owe me, take me somewhere please, oh I know, some where rural, that'll be a nice change from a hospital for sure'.
And then one day God gave me a yet another new thing:
- A facility to know whenever danger lurked.
The waiter had made it clear that clearly he wanted to be really clear in that he was clearly hard to read, and so clearly I had a clear goal in mind, figure out WHY he wanted to be hard to read.
'Stop that, it's implausible' he said to me as I flawlessly ghost monkeyed throughout the restaurant for twenty eight seconds, 'you're a hero, how can I ever repay you?' He added, adding to his clear need to be hard to read.
And it was right then that I noticed my danger notifier going off. It wasn't clear why. But that's just how it is when the danger is BIG and in my face NOW, so clearly whatever was about to happen was about to happen NOW, and it sure was going to be BIG!
To be continued*
*Yes I know that was the first one, but I think sometimes it's okay to go back to the beginning, in fact it probably always is, PERFECTLY* okay! So fuck you if you think it's not.
*Another word for 'clearly an exaggeration*, what are you trying to hide you dick!'
*Something I have the dexterity to NEVER do.