Thursday, March 10, 2016

Twelve - Popping Safety Attack

Amazing skills are hard to come by. I once heard of a guy who pick pocketed eight hundred and twenty seven people to try and get a special skill, and he did it at a massive police convention, and he pick pocketed them on the stage in front of ten thousand cops, right after the marching band played and right before the talk on 'staying alert', and he didn't get caught for a single one, and EVEN he didn't acquire his desired special skills, he didn't even get ONE! 

So I don't want you to take your special skills for granted, if you have any, which you don't, but I do, so don't take mine for granted dick.

Here's how I discovered my newest and most amazing skill, the skill to always know when danger lurks:

It was a hot and sweaty day the day this happened, as it was International Sauna Day, and Scandinavians had stormed city squares, parks, gathering spaces, bird nests, beaches, offices of actuaries, food courts with foods from around the world 'yet no Norwegian Pickled Herring Desert Huts?, "around" the world my ass' , football players underwear draws, the inside of hollowed out not yet formed holes in the ground, and even food courts that DID have Norwegian Pickled Herring Dessert Huts, and these Scandinavians had set up Saunas the size of LARGE saunas, REALLY large saunas, and they were screaming at their hostages 'just try it, it's actually really relaxing, why do you think our nations have such low crime rates?' But little did the Scandinavians know that they WERE trying it, EVERYONE was, the Scandinavians had forgotten to close the sauna doors and the whole world had become a sauna! 

I'm sure you all remember the Great Sweating Of '97. It was awesome. EVERYONE was sweaty, so no cared about being sweaty. We went rafting on sweat rivers. And we swam in sweat pools. We splashed about under fire hydrants spraying sweat across roads. And we made love under sweat waterfalls. I heard three Eskimos even went skinny dipping in a warm bubbling pond of sweat. It was their first ever encounter with warm water! It was so awesome! And of course kind of gross, none of them had ever been naked before, and it turns out those Eskimo outfits are a tad sweaty on the inside, yuck! 

Everyone was out enjoying the fun. Except me of course. I don't follow trends, I START them. So I was inside having a bath in ice, a new trend that I'd started after seeing Scandinavians jump in snow after delightful saunas. Man that looked nice, I wish I could try it. 

Just then a REAL LIFE ghost monkey invaded my home! It was running around pushing things over. Breaking stuff. And picking things up it had pushed over then breaking them and pushing them back over. And there was NOTHING I could do. It had disguised itself as a human, so I couldn't call it implausible, I was stuck. 

And that's when it did something BIG and it did it NOW! 

It began screaming at me...

'That's for whipping my brother Kev all the time you dick, among other ways you treat him bad, STOP it!' 

I was dumbfounded. 

'I have NEVER whipped a ghost monkey you dick!' I screamed. 'I only whip my HUMAN friend Kev. How dare you accuse me of that. Cruelty to animals is cruel, and if I did something cruel it would cruel my chances to get into The Society Of People Who Don't Like Cruel Stuff, and I REALLY want to get in to that society, I have a really cruel practical joke I want to play on them. Get this, I'm going change the official records so that some birds I have had officially denied, get put down as having previously existed, but say they were killed off by The Society Of People Who Don't Like Cruel Stuff, then I'm going to release a canary in their office that I'd nailed-gunned bubble wrap too, so they'd think it was a previously thought extinct African Rasping Elephant Vulture, and then I'm going to laugh at them!  I'm just waiting for a canary to volunteer. So I would NEVER be cruel to a ghost monkey, or anything else, you dick!' 

Then I ran out of the house. And I put locks on all the doors, and windows, and covered the entire home in air sealing gel, except one hole, that I used to gas the place, with some of the immense supply of mustard gas I'd found in my dead granddad's (a war hero), home and kept because I had at first misread it as being mustard gaffe, and I thought 'ha ha, can't even spell gas, you idiots', and which I'd been using to set booby traps on my mail box to try and get the paperboy to throw my paper at the front door like they did on those TV shows, and because that lazy paperboy started walking it to my front door instead, three postmen had ended up in hospital. Well done paperboy you dick! 

The ghost monkey seemed to not believe my very truthful explanation though, because I could hear him still breaking stuff, for some reason he really wanted to break my front door, which he did, then he ran down the road, yelling 'you're nuts, you're really nuts'. So I yelled back 'jokes on you ghost monkey, no one likes name callers, you dick!' 

Then I realized something BIG, and I realized it NOW! 

'Oh my god, are you stupid?' I said to myself. 'A ghost monkey can just go THROUGH doors. Therefore it CAN'T break them. Therefore that CAN'T have been a ghost monkey!!!!!!' 

It was now very clear what had just taken place. 

That must have been a ghost LEMUR! And I HAD been whipping a ghost lemur's bother Kev. I mean it had asked me to. I'd never be cruel. But still, whoops. I was SO embarrassed. REALLY embarrassed. 

And thats when I realized I needed to figure out a way to stop things like from keep happening to me. I need to spot danger BEFORE horrible things, like me getting embarrassed, happened again. And I needed to figure out this danger spotting method NOW, and it had to be BIG! 

There's more coming*

*oh I like that one, simple and straight to the point* it's nice to find something purely nice and helpful

*the fun end of a spear, often with blood dripping off! 

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