Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Don't jump to conclusions!

So this is weird. Get this bullshit. Get a load of this crap. My friend, Joseph, just said to me, 'Dave' he said 'why did you just turn into a living poster advertising the coming tour of a metal band that sings film Noir styled songs, then climb a tree and turn a rainbow into a cloud before burping up some kitchen linoleum flooring'? 

And I'm like 'mate', 'mate' I said, 'you KNOW my dad was part living poster advertising a thrash band that sings Romantic Comedy styled songs and I WILL NOT BECOME MY FATHER, I WILL NOT! So don't question why I didn't become that.

And my friend Roger, the candy flavored rocking-horse was on fire, and the fire was black because it, obviously, was being fueled by dried kraken jawbone, and everyone knows, EVERYONE knows, that if you try to put out a black fire fueled with kraken jawbone with standard rain from a cloud that never was and NEVER will be a rainbow then the black fire rejects the water and instead turns into a brush with a cute stranger whom you can never track down, and that sucks, so I don't know how you treat YOUR friend candy flavored rocking-horses, but no fucking way am I going to do that to MY friend candy flavored rocking-horse, I mean he's already on fire, how much pain do you want him to be in, plus he wouldn't taste as nice all burned. 

And linoleum kitchen flooring just TASTES GOOD! Duh. Of course I ate too much of it. I like the classic black and white checker myself, but an old school pale yellow can be nice too, and I know you think it's out of fashion, but taste doesn't go out of fashion, taste is absolute, taste you can fucking rely on! But ok, I guess it's a tad weird I burped up some scuffed grey. But my linoleum kitchen floor guy is out of town, so I ate some left over from a sample basket he gave me once. Like you've never eaten something that wasn't your absolute favorite because it was free, of course you fucking have. 

So don't be a dick, Joseph' I explained. 

It still sucks though. You know? It's like some people just WANT to think you're weird, even when there is a perfectly logical explanation for everything you do. I mean what a dick. 

I'm so mad I barely sky dived off a bag of scandal like I normally do before bed. 

Oh no, I can't win, now he's going to think missing my routines is weird! 

Fuck you Joseph. 

No comments:

Post a Comment