Saturday, November 28, 2009

First I must overcome cheese, AIDs and tennis

As an artist and a comedian there are lots of challenges. For me however there is nothing harder than overcoming cheese, AIDs and tennis. You see as crazy and twisted as my mind is, whenever I try to think of just about anything, at least in a creative situation, before I can really get anywhere my mind first has to discard jokes about cheese, AIDs and tennis. Why these three things I have no frigging idea. Sure cheese, AIDs, and tennis are all hilarious in their own ways, but why these three things have been so embedded in my mind has baffled even my super sized intelligence. Actually if I must be honest, I always first think of tennis, usually discard it, which means AIDs and cheese filters through way more than it should.

Here is a brief selection of AIDs 'jokes' from my twitter

Have you ever made fun of someone just for shits and giggles but then pooped your pants? That's a major sign you suffer from doorbell Aids

Shocking news: If you have Aids yet you're a virgin then there is a good chance you're horribly unlucky

Little known fact: If you have AIDs there is a good chance you're not a virgin or you are a poor African child

Little known facts: If you feed cats dog food over time they'll learn English just to complain about it, dirt is cleaner than an AIDs needle

Truth life isn't fair, meet a girl with AIDs, bad luck! Meet a girl who wont put out, Bad luck! That leaves 17 girls out of 3 billion, tough odds

The first time you ever showed enthusiasm was the same day you first pooed you pants, there is a lesson there, something about AIDs I guess

There, get it out of my system, cleanse me of AIDs. Oh wait, that was unintentionally cruel or ironic or something.

Now for cheese

I've got it, I have finally finally got it, this idea will change the world, stay tuned!!!! Oh and if you like tofu over cheese then fuck off

Oh fuck, on my death bed, the history of me will also include things in the future from now, I'm omnipotent and I like cheese, scary

Little known facts: A stubbed toe is often more painful than being hit in the head by a meteorite, cheese, lemons and urine are all yellow

No word rhymes with Purple! So cop this Purple - 'Terple' If you know you want to eat cheese, but are not sure which variety you are Terple!

I've come to realize that I have now eaten more cheese than most people have eaten moose ears, thats kind of scary.

I just found out that I was conceived on a futon at a fondue orgy, that explains so much

Melt away from me cheese, you see how these things are holding me back?

Tennis anyone?

After confusing the name, in Bolivia they play tennis 10 on 10 and call the sport 'Nis'. Bring 19 friends around and lets play Nis they may say

Hippy loving tennis ball collecting fans of the old school circus arts are now considered the least likely people to drink Diet Mountain Dew

Keep in mind this is just a small collection, and just stupid twitter things, most of my jokes get written on pads so I can look back and loathe them latter.

I must think of tennis, AIDs and cheese thousands of times a day. Shouldn't I be reserving that time to thinking about having sex with celebrities I'll never meet?

Are there strange thoughts or topics which always come to your mind?

Oh so I am writing this with Australian Network TV on in the background for a rare rare change, sure its 10am on a Sunday morning, but Gilligan's Island just came on! Fuck me dead right now, in 2009 this is still on NETWORK TV. I should point out its channel 9 too, the number one Aussie network for 10 or 20 years. My god, lets try something new people.

Oh yes, speaking of shits and giggles, lets spare a moment to think of the people who actually do suffer from the horrible disease that when they laugh they actually shit their pants. Sure it might seem humorous to us who can hold our bowels when faced with a laugh out load moment, but these people genuinely suffer. There was no Seinfeld or Arrested Development for them. Your famous comedians are like the devil in a hairy fat suit to them. And they must avoid elevators at all costs, get on a packed elevator, someone farts, everyone laughs, next thing you know you have underpants full of shit, and everyone hates you for feeling you have to 'top' the last guys hilarious fart. Let the guy have his moment, he earn t it you fuck head, he may be forced to hear. Yes to really have the shits and giggles is a horrible condition with their only safety places like channel 9 network Australia and Sex and the City reruns. Take your favorite comic strip into the bathroom to read next time you need to take a shit and take a moment to think of their pain. And also feel sorry for me, because when I do it I'll have to think, tennis, shit, AIDs shit, cheese, shit, oh thats right I'm supposed to be thinking about shit!

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