Friday, November 20, 2009

You better believe those are some kick ass credentials

I thought I was a City Boy. I had all the city credentials, I lived in a city for example, I enjoyed being in a city would be another example which would suggest I had city credentials. But really you don't know how much you are a City Boy until you meet a City Girl and you find out that it reality you have shitty city credentials.

The City Girl was really city. She lived in a city, which was one of my credentials that she shared, but she had other city credentials too, like she enjoyed being in the city, oh wait I had that one too, but she had even further city credentials, like she smelled like the city, when she sweated she literally sweated city grime. And she cared enough to add her grime right back into the city, in a city supports me so I will support my city ring of help which was both beauiful and a credible City Girl credential.

Plus she looked like a city, by which I mean she was a cluster fuck of awesomeness, by which I mean she was bad at doing her hair and putting on make up but didn't care, just like a city doesn't care how the fuck its hair and make up look. And when you share something like that with a city then your City Girl credentials tear up the City Girl charts.

Her city credentials didn't end there, fear not, no she even had a name like a city, her name was Constantine, which if a city was named, for example, Constantine City that would be an awesome name for a city, and therefore an awesome city, which is why I considered her name to be a city like name and therefore a reason she could use as a City Girl credential.

That city would also have awesome sporting teams like the Constantine City Carhorns, who would win games by being rude and obnoxious, or the Constantine City Cougars who would be the laughing stock of the league after their fierce cat name has been turned into a name used for desperate horny middle aged women who want to get in three more fucks before her vagina stops producing lubrication. Plus even the word fierce has been taken by cunts like Tyra Banks and Perez Hilton for gay-ass fashion shit, and so no one would want to play for the Constantine City Cougers, which would mean they would end up with all the players black listed from other teams for beating up their wives, and urinating on little girls thinking they were toilets, so oh yeah, you better believe the Constantine City Cougars would play the game hard and with bone to pick, and I mean a literal bone, these guys would eat ribs for sure. Also the Constantine City Caregivers, who it would turn out would be more of a charitable group that helps runaways than a sporting team per se, but some of those runaways would be running away from their fathers on the Constatine City Cougars, so you can probably see in this example how it all comes around. So yeah, you better believe being named Constantine gives you badass City Girl credentials. And they were credentials this constanitine City Girl had in spade loads of city credential awesomeness.

But did her credentials end there? Of course the fuck not they fucking did not, and fuck you if you even thought her city credentials may ceace to conglomerate out of her City Girl pores. She even lived in a city. Fuck, I've covered that one. She also once showed me her vagina and it had steam coming out of it like a big city manhole. Manholes in small towns don't have steam god fucking damn it for fucking sure they don't, so hell yeah you better believe that if a girls vagina has steam coming out of it like a big city man hole then this chick has big ass city City Girl credentials.

Is that the end of the credentials. Yes it is. Oh wait no its not, she even once fucked the mayor of the city, and when you work in city hall that means you've been in city hall, and when you fuck Constantine that means you've been in Constantine which means that in this little free flying fucking kick ass factoid Constantine and City Hall have become one and the same, as in the mayor has been in both of them, and when you share an in with City Hall, you better fucking have faith in the reality that you have kick cunt City Girl credentials.

Lets take a moment to weigh up these facts
My City Boy Credentials - I lived in the city, I enjoyed being in a city

Her City Girl Credentials - She lived in a city, she enjoyed being in a city, she oozed grime like a city, she did her hair like a city, she was named like a fucking awesome city which would have awesome city sport teams, her vagina streamed steam like a city, and SHE WAS CITY HALL, and she even lived in a city.

It was clear, she was a City Girl but I was no City Boy. There was only one thing for it, I would have to leave the city as my City Boy credentials were far too shitty for me to be pure City Boy, and as shitty as it was to leave the city, I knew I would return one day, and taste that City Girl steam for myself.

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