Thursday, November 19, 2009

The ten most influential internet moments (apparently)

The webby Awards just listed what they believe to be the ten most influential internet moments of the decade.

- Craigslist online classified site expands outside San Francisco (2000)

Still not sure this has really had any major influence, its a good place to run fake casting calls so rapists can get actresses to come to their houses

- the launch of Google AdWords (2000)

Not sure what this is

- the launch of online encyclopedia Wikipedia (2001)

Ok I have a bone to pick with the wikipedia. So anyone can add anything to Wikipedia, which meant the birth of three different type of people, people who love to change stuff around for laughs, people who need to tell everyone that you cant trust what you read on wikipedia, and people who feel the need to fix the mistakes and lies on wikipedia.

Ok, so when I released my book 'Losing my virginity 52 Times' in a desperate attempt to get sales I added myself to a few places including people born on 'January 18'. I know, I'm more likely to get sales by getting caught having sex with a tree, but you do what you can.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that one of these 'fixers' of Wikipedia came and erased me! Motherfucker. I published a book, I was featured on over 60 radio stations in Australia, including all of the big shows, I was on national TV and in all the big papers (also things that don't sell books apparently) surely that warrents me being a person of note.

By the way I am literatly writing this while seeing Spencer Pratt and Heidi whatsit on Conan, the world really sucks sometimes, so anyway just in case you want to know who IS considered worthy by the fixer who rubbed me out, here is the list of notable people born on January 18 in the years either side my birth he/she deemed worthy of saving.

Its just a whos who of accomplishment.

Of course my favourite is

1984Seung-Hui Cho, shooter at Virginia Tech (d. 2007)

How to be a person of note - take note phsycos.

- the shutdown of file-sharing site Napster (2001)

Music downloading, hmm another pet peeve of mine. I have never downloaded a song online and hope I never will. I like to own a physical version of my purchase. I never want just one song from an artist either, I like to think of an album like a movie or a book, its a complete work where songs are merely chapters or scenes, beautiful on their own but even better when seen or heard as the artist intended.

Ok so here is where my peeve comes in.

People now listen to music more than ever before, far far far more than ever before. Most music lovers walk around carrying hundreds of albums and thousands of songs in their pockets, and they listen to them everywhere, no matter how rude and selfish they are being, music matters more than anything. And in this day and age of music rules all musicians can do is complain about their songs being downloaded rather than selling CD's. So what do you get when you buy a CD rather than download one, you get the packageing and the booklet. And what do 99% of artists do with this information, they offer absolutely fuck all. One page of thankyous if anything. I want information, what does this album mean to you, how was it created, give me lyrics, photos, art. Be a fucking artist. I still plan on recording a few albums of my own when I have the time and money to do it properly (and magically develop some talent) and I want to release my songs in a book store, with a coffee book of art that compliments the music, maybe a dvd making of, stuff that if I ever get fans the fans will want. Well what I really mean is if the bands I like, and there are many, did this, I would gobble it up, and I can't imagine there arent many more like me. At the very least its worth trying something new instead of complaining.

- Google's initial public offering (2004)

Eh, a couple of kids became billionares, lets hope they continue to use it to be innovative

- the online video revolution led by YouTube (2006)

I still don't quite get this one. I have flirted with trying to find an audience on you tube, but I don't understand why people watch most of what they watch on here. Its good for some things, I guess.

- Facebook opens to non-college students and Twitter launches (2006)

I still dont get facebook. They took myspace, removed whats good about it, added some shit and everyone loved it.

- Apple's iPhone debuts (2007)

Eh, my iphone doesnt work in America because its locked by region, so its just a $500 clock. Thanks apple.

- the use of the internet in the US presidential campaign (2008)

Ah, the net for politics, allowing extremists from both sides to spread terrible propaganda and giving them a noticeable voice allowing less and less time for dealing with the real issues

- the use of Twitter during the Iranian election protests (2009)

Eh, what did it matter, the nut job still got the job. Lets protest something that may have some success, like protesting against anyone who likes Lady Gaga ever being allowed a job which has any influence on the world.

The porn revolution doesn't make the list? I didn't find out the vagina hole wasn't lost somewhere in the pubes until I was in my early teens. I didn't see even a picture of the actual vagina until I was maybe 16. Kids probably only ten years younger than me had hardcore porn available to them from the day they were first sexually curious. This is going to without doubt affect the sexual behavior of generations of kids. And frankly I am glad I look young so I can hopefully enjoy the twisted sexual minds of our youth.

In honor of Conan O'Brien new feud with Kirstie Alley here is my Kirstie Alley joke I had in my talk show writing package.


Officials say the recent developments in the war in ....Afghanistan.... have caused significant setbacks to both the Taliban and Al-queda ....

.. ..

Meanwhile Kirstie Alley’s last trip to the buffet completely eradicated an entire breed of pig

WHen the show Laguna Beach first hit the airwaves I was quite positive there would not be a single human who would purposely watch one minute of it. Instead it was a huge success with many spin off, whats wrong with you people? If it was not for one friend I have who likes those shows and may read this (for shame Greenie) I would publically advocate for celebrating anyone who murders a fan of the Hills. Instead here are some things I would rather do than watch the Hills.

Deep fry my testicals.

Eat a donkey eye ball

Getting raped my Shaquille O'Neal

Getting eaten by a shark

And here is why for me these would be better

I don't want kids, saves me getting a vacescomy

High in protein

A guy that big, lets just say I am curious to know whats down there

Because it would save the lives of the fish he would eat instead, think of the fishes people, the fishes matter

No comments:

Post a Comment