Monday, November 23, 2009

Get your Dave on, and Home for xmas, damn it

The time has come again, when my US visa has expired and I must leave this great land and return to that other great land, Australia. (In Australia we thought the A-team was a show about a gang of traveling rapists who'd give abortions in their van when things went bad?) This return has coincidentally coincided with xmas, and this is not my favorite coincidence of all time.

I have never liked christmas, for reasons I need hundreds of hours on a therapists couch to fully understand and unburden myself of, but the short story is my household was not a happy household, and the worst time in an unhappy house is xmas, where we pretty much all just despised each other in the way a bird despises the cat that is currently tearing it to shreds. It was fucking miserable, to put it mildly.

It later years, when I had one of those real jobs, where you have to like go there and spend way too much time doing stuff that sucks, I hate those things, but when I had one days off were like freakin magic mystery fun hippy loving wonder days. Wasting one of them on xmas was painful.

In more recent years I have acquired three nephews, and watching xmas through their eyes kind of makes it nice in some ways.

So with that in mind here is a lovely little cynical character monologue I improvised in a show recently and decided to type up, enjoy.

(Bursting into the room)

Honey, what is this? It’s a Christmas ornament isn’t it? You know how I feel about Christmas; you’re going to ruin our son.

You really want him believing in this monstrous holiday, you want him thinking that some magical man will just bring him stuff so he never has to work for it. You want him to think a chimney is a viable alternative to a door and break and enter is fun. That’s the kind of son you want?

You want him to think some overlord is watching everything he does to see if he has been bad or good. You want him to think that all poor people must be bad people because Santa doesn’t bring them stuff, and all rich people are good because Santa brings them plenty, is you’d be proud to raise a kid like that?

You want him to only want to eat cookies and milk, you want to aspire to be fat and only work one day a year, you want him to think that the North Pole is a realistic place to live? You’d be happy to say this loser is my boy?

You should have told me this before I impregnated you, that you planned to ruin him. You know who kids turn to looking for that magic once they find out Santa isn’t real don’t you? Drug dealers and science fiction films! You have already made our son a drug addict sci-fi nerd and he’s only 3, thanks a lot.

(Bows, uproarious clapping and cheering, people wondering 'what fucked that bloke up')

The end.

There will be lots of xmas joy spread all around you this year as always, there will be people demanding you to 'get in the xmas spirit you miserable fuck'. Not on this blog my friend
s! I want to hear some good ol' fashion hate. What do you hate about xmas people? I know you ALL have at least one thing.

Oh speaking of such, I hate plugging myself, so this year for an awesome xmas gift, how about giving a book? Specificallly 'Losing my virginity 52 times' by this fella writin' this, David Tieck. There are a few still available on (also on there some bastards in New York who got FREE copies from agents I sent them to and are selling them for $45!!! Scum. You're better off going here and typing in David Tieck, or is the direct link I believe. Buy it today and have it nice and early for xmas. In all seriousness its really good, I've sold less than a thousand but over a hundred of those people have taken the time to email me to tell me how much they loved it, many of them considered it life changing (and more importantly funny).

What do you hate most about the advertising world? Pop ups and spam are my most hated, but I hate it all. I am personally a much bigger fan of paying for the shows and not having ads, than getting shows for free with the cost being putting up with the ads, how about you?

If you could do anything physically harmful to any particular marketer with a guarentee of no feelings of guilt or legal troubles, what would you do? Feel free to be graphic here :)

So goodbye for a while America, and hello once again my Aussie Friends, you have over a month to get your Dave on, and I want to party hard!

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