I woke up with a fucked neck yesterday. Really fucked. As in I’m in owys and I don’t like being in owys, boo me. Also I went to the chiropractor today, well known as the most trustworthy and honest of all medical practitioners (in stark contrast to the filthy lying pediatricians – they say having kids is a good idea, yeah right!) and the chiropractor says I might not be a hundred percent right for six weeks. Good god, I’m walking around like a fucking rusty robot (which is also the name of an awesome sex move I invented, it’s basically a rusty trombone with flawless math skills).
In better news, while I was at the chiropractor I learned some surprising facts about the neck that most people probably don’t know. Such as:
- Surprisingly, when you hurt it, it’s owy.
- Really owy.
- I’ve been forced to stand and sit with my head hung in shame because it’s the most comfortable position, but it turns out when you put your body in that position all day it can dampen your mood.
- Being owy can also dampen your mood.
- Being owy is nowhere near as highly respected as being owly.
- Being owy is also far less advantageous than being owly in helping you get away with eating small mice in public.
- Jellyfish don’t have necks and yet are probably the most gregarious thing in the ocean.
- Neanderthal Man’s neck was often owy, hence why they never figured out complex solutions to problematical issues instigated from the lack of fully developed brain.
- It’s the bottle, rather than the neck, which create the ‘excitement’ in a traffic bottleneck conundrum (the neck only creates stupid ‘delightment).
- The word gregarious is fun to say.
- No one who was born without a neck has ever won the X-factor, although three neckless people have won ‘cutest freak’ at the Bungarra NSW local fair (or as the locals call it ‘cutest local’).
- A jellyfish and a woman can create a baby with a neck, but a man and a jellyfish cannot, because clearly jellyfish are sexist.
- Necks don’t like being whacked with oars, it hurts their feelings.
- If you can remove a human’s neck with your bare hands without spilling a drop of blood you’re probably a neat freak.
Alright I gots to go, I’m owy. Have I mentioned yet that I’m owy? I hate being owy. Oh man, I wish I was owly :(