Burning down the house

I like to think that if my house was on fire the following things would go through my mind.

- Oh no, my house is on fire, boo.
- This sucks. Did I say boo yet?
- Oh I did? 
- When? 
- Oh right, right, right, right, right. 
- Ha ha, that's fun to say over and over, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, ha ha, it never gets old, right, right, right, right, I could seriously be here for a long while, right, right, right. 
- What do you mean, snap out of it because my house is on fire? 
- Oh no, my house is on fire! Boo. 
- Oh wait maybe it's just smoke? 
- It could be couldn't it? 
- Maybe this could be just a really badly burned toast scenario?
- I don't have housemates, so I guess it would have to be a ghost.
- But that would explain the burning, cause he's trying to hit eject on the toaster, but his hand is going right through it, and that means it's going through the hot part too, which would hurt BAD, so I'm not going to chastise him for a little smoke.
- Can it be just smoke if there are huge flames bellowing out of he windows? 
- Nope? 
- Damn it. That means it's fire? 
- Boo.
- Wait, unless it's steam?
- Can it be steam and have bellowing flames? 
- Damn it.
- Is bellowing the right word? That's more for smoke than the flames right? 
- No I don't know either, that's why I asked dick. 
- Although if it WAS steam, that would be badass, because it probably would mean that a steam powered time machine has arrived! 
- It could be a messenger from the future just for me!
- Do time machines ever emit fire? 
- You know what? Probably! 
- Cause steam isn't going to be powerful enough to get you through time.
- The steam-engine probably just powers up the flashing lights that make the machine look all spacey.
- Wow, a time machine, in MY house! 
- This is mad!
- Do people still say 'mad' meaning 'rad'?
- Do people still say 'rad' meaning 'good'?
- Is 'good' still 'good', I mean it's not 'awesome', or even 'great'? 
- Maybe time machine person can tell me about mad new words from the future! 
- Wow.
- I wonder if one will be 'hertja', that'd  be rad. 
- I wonder why I was chosen? 
- What's special about me?
- Do I have anything that people in the future might need? 
- I still have my old high-school text books that have all the key sentences highlighted so that only the most useful of the endless lines of uselessness need be read? 
- Nah, I don't think they need those. Plus I've got doodles of boobs all through them. In the future they probably have virtual reality doodles of boobs! 
- My detailed knowledge of beetle attitudes towards various types of human could be valuable? Maybe in the future they're all unsure about certain beetles and their relationships with Asian women?
- But nah, they'd probably just chuck a bunch of beetles into a pit with a bunch of Asian women and observe themselves. 
- My ability to be a corporate stooge while simultaneously being a corporate stooge for the original corporate's corporate rivals is still strong? Possibly. That is pretty valuable.
- That kind of extremely loyal lack of loyalty may help thwart an intergalactic disagreement?
- But then again if there are intergalactic battles going on they probably WOULD want my boob covered book on the Iranian hostage situation from the 70s or whatever, I never read it, and we've already established that they have virtual reality doodles of boobs.
- So what do I have that's valuable?
- Oh holy hell.
- My god. 
- I know what it is! 
- I just bought a new box of ice-cream sandwiches, oh my god someone call 911 - I'm being fucking time robbed!!!!
- And they're burning down my house to cover up the evidence! 
- Which means even if they don't discover the second batch of ice-cream sandwiches I hid behind the frozen apple pie they may end up melting! 
- Those future mother fuckers. 
- Oh wait.
- I just remembered something. 
- I don't own a house. 
- Or live in America, so 911 won't do shit. 
- Also why am I holding an industrial sized bottle of kerosene and some extra long matches intended for lighting barbecues? 
- Oh that's right, I'm an arsenist, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, seriously ENDLESS fun. 
- I wonder if anyone did call the cops? 
- Oh fuck, RUUUUUUNNNN!!! 

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