Tuesday, September 1, 2015

A simple trip to the zoo

A simple trip to the zoo.

'It was a simple trip to the zoo' he said describing what he had intended.
'Let's take a simple trip to the zoo?' Frank had suggested earlier that day.
'Oh I'll take a simple trip to the zoo' Greta had replied enthusiastically to Franks suggestion.

But it would not turn out simple.
And it would not turn out to be a trip.
And it would not turn out to be the zoo.

That's right.
Get ready.
For the disaster.
That was.
And Gretas.
Cue dramatic music, drums, cello, maybe even some form of synthesizer, set to a dramatic setting, with drums and cello. 
That's right it's time to tell you all about.
These people I've talked about.
Frank and Greta that is.
And they're difficult journey to the nature reserve!!!

First up was it simple? Hell no. 
The tickets were expensive, leading to Frank debating whether he should offer to pay seeing as he'd invited Greta, or whether he should suggest splitting it, seeing as this is a modern world hell bent on equality, or whether she should pay, I mean why shouldn't she? She earned more than him and yet she NEVER offered to pay! Even when the thing was her suggestion. And why does this debate even have to come up in his mind, why can't someone define the rules. It was madness. 
'Excuse me sir?' Suddenly asked the cashier as Frank started to grumble under his breath and narrow his eyes staring at the sign indicating the $27.99 entrance fee.
'Frank?' Added Greta, unhelpfully. 
Then the cashier threw a bucket of elephant piss in his face. As a frequent date-day location, she'd seen this many times before, and found elephant piss often swayed the mans anger away from his date and/or modern dating rules, and moved it squarely onto the cashier. It was a selfless act, rewarded with frequent tirades of abuse, but in this case Frank was wise to her plan and it instead left him infatuated, although then Frank suddenly wondered if elephant piss was an aphrodisiac? It would be a debate that raged through him the rest of the day. He finally settled on 'yes it was aphrodisiac' which lead to his disastrous 'elephant juice' business, that everyone knew was piss not juice, I mean you have to print the ingredients on the bottle, what the hell was he thinking? I mean it would be fine if the product worked. But did Frank do his scientific research? No he didn't. But the bottle claimed he did. It was an all around disaster, so this was not simple at all, it was difficult! 

And was it a trip? Um the closest bus stop was three blocks from the entrance? What the fuck state-transit. Three blocks, what are we fucking animals? Frank had a pebble in his shoe. He often does, as he finds mild-irritation and occasional slight pain in his foot to be be a lovely distraction from the frequent bug bite rashes he has due to his sweat apparently being specifically attractive to bugs. Bugs of all kinds too, mosquitos, flies, wasps, centipedes, even beetles, and beetles are normally happy peaceful animals that live in harmony with humans, so the fact that they were biting Frank gave him real reason to think he was special, but here's the thing, if he knew he was going to have to walk three blocks, he would have chosen a smaller pebble for his shoe, he likes slight pain at worst! There's a fucking science to it, but now you've got a guy with slightly above slight pain, and you're talking a trip? No no no that's a journey. The mans got beetle bites you dicks! 

And was it a zoo? No it wasn't. It was a damn nature reserve, they might have called themselves a zoo, but there weren't even any marsupials. I'm serious. zero marsupials. Well there may have been a possum caught in the gears in the machine that runs the waterfall in the gator pit. Which frankly was a waste of money, who cares about a waterfall when there are prehistorical beasts of prey-eating powerfulness sitting there? But you don't have marsupials then you don't have pouches, and you got no pouches how the hell are you supposed playfully ask your date 'reckon there's a Joey in there?' That's an adorable thought, and those can be desirable in a romantic situation, plus think of this 'if you had a pouch, what would you keep in it?' Try asking a girl that when not looking at a cage full of wallabies, and just see what happens! Or you can wait for me to tell you what happens, as I am about to do 'what made you think of that?' Greta replied. 'Fuck, now I have to explain my entire thought process out, I'm using my brain to try and figure out if elephant piss is an aphrodisiac damn it?' Frank thought. 'This guy seems to clam up anytime a question is raised, I'm not into that' thought Greta. 'If there's a possum in the fucking gears get it out!' Suddenly screamed Frank. It was a really weird exchange. And if things are getting weird you are NOT at a zoo, you know unless it's a zoo with weird animals, but who wants to go to one of those? 

Yes it was supposed to be a simple trip to the zoo.
'Let's take a simple trip to the zoo' Frank had suggested.
But instead the nightmare happened, they ended up on difficult journey to the nature reserve.
And that's not romantic at all. 
But perhaps it was the best.
Frank and Greta were brother and sister after all.
I wonder if all the inbreeding in his family might be the cause of Franks weird bug issue? 
He should probably look into that. 

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