'Now calm down. I know this is a controversial finding, and I will of course address some of the key points that I assume to be causing this ruckus, who has a question?'
"Hello, Mr Simmons here, high-school teacher, and amateur botanist, was it noted that people in prison have been known to whistle, and that prison doesn't look like fun, so how could prisoners be doing something fun, how damn it, explain that?"
'Yes Mr Simmons, firstly thank you for identifying the rare fern that's roots had grown into my plumbing last week, of course identifying it did nothing to get me hot water again, but at least now I get to yell "fuck you Lycopodium" while I shower, and in answer to your question of course that was noted, and it was studied, I believe a questionnaire was even developed, possibly even implemented, and I can tell you this, despite everything we know about prison life, from toothbrush shivs to arguments over who gets the top bunk, all seemingly pointing towards prison being a terrible time, it was discovered that mild fun, such as whistling, did occasionally enter the lives of even prisoners'.
"Mild fun? MILD FUN? Fuck you David!"
'I'm sorry Karl, did you have a question?'
"Yes, David, you condescending ass, whistling is not MILD fun, it's a LOT of fun, and I'm not going to stand here and listen to a pastime I adore be tarnished like this".
'Oh thank you Karl, well done on not getting a question in during this question and answer session, and yes, I have noticed that while you've been at my house this week, apparently fixing my plumbing, I've heard a LOT of whistling, but felt NO hot water!'
"You motherfucker, do you know how hard it is to get lycopodium out of old plumbing? So I whistle to make it less torturous, sue me dick".
'You've just sold yourself out Karl, whistling only makes it "less torturous"? If it should be classified as "a LOT of fun" as you so passionately like to argue, surely that would do more than just reduce the torture that doing your job apparently is! Learn to argue smart you friggin' idiot'.
'Who else has a question? Yes Claudia Hulper'.
"When do you think Karl will be done at your place? I have been affected by the lycopodium infestation as well, and with no water in my house I've been forced to drink champagne which really tickles my throat".
'Sorry Mrs Hulper, can we stay on topic please, whistling'.
"Oh I'm sorry, I thought it was damn obvious that whistling was fun, and yet this town has just spent years and a ton of effort and money on a study while simultaneously allowing a rare fern to ravage the town?"
'Ok, well if I you people are going to come to town meetings drunk maybe we'll just stop running them'.
'Well if no one has anymore questions then that's it for tonight. shut up Karl, you've had your say. We'll reconvene in several weeks, or as soon as we have the results to our NEW study finished, currently titled - Grazing ones knee, fun? Last I heard they were already querying the squeamish on how they feel about spinach quiche, so results may well be immanent. So thanks for coming, and good night citizens of Ourtaxessurearehighville, don't forget to grab a lycopodium juice on the way out!'
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