Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Thirty Two - As Absorbent As Asked For

It was a dry and coarse day, the day I found out how to develop the skill of being a great foreman, dry and coarse like the thick sandpaper most of us use to remove the tattoos we get on our necks every other week saying 'stop getting tattoos', only to forget to stop getting them as soon as they are removed. There really should be a way to remember something like that permanently! I blame the scientists, dicks. 

It was an interesting time to be alive that day, consider these amazing things going on around then:

- The band 'Enveloping Machine Kites' were dominating the charts with their song 'Renmbember our last hit single, the one called "Eat a Anvil", well we didn't mean it literally, stop sending us your dentist bills, if we'd meant it literally we would have named it the grammatically correct "eat AN anvil", rock bands never use bad grammar unless they're being IRONIC, everyone knows that you idiots' and was being called 'one of the songs of the summer most likely to cause teenagers to eat anvils', possibly because most radio stations couldn't be bothered to say the whole title, so introduced it as 'Eat an Anvil', but also because the melody was super catchy, and catchy melodies have been making people eat anvils since ancient Babylonia! 

- Radio announcers were being bashed in their dozens by irate parents after it was revealed that they were somehow encouraging kids to eat anvils, with many claiming that their annoying banter was full of subliminal messages, some of which were rumored to encourage anvil eating.

- Teenagers had invented a new slang term, routinely saying 'seriously it has nothing to do with the song or the radio announcers, we've been eating anvils because there was a rumor they are full of chocolate, honestly'. Which various experts and pundits debated the meaning of adnausium, with the most likely candidates being 'rad', 'swell', 'not too bad even if I do say so myself', 'radaroo' or 'please buy me an anvil for my birthday'. 

- In unrelated business news, for some unknown reason, baffling both experts AND pundits, sales of anvils were through the roof! 

- Meanwhile anvil experts and pundits maintained their fierce non-speaking terms rivalry with the slang experts and pundits. 

- And the awkward tension between the two camps radiated through society causing many to reduce how often they went to Expert and Pundit Amusement World, and the lack of stress reducing rollercoaster time lead to a stress induced scalp dermatitis outbreak across the nation. 

- And with blacksmith costs escalating rapidly due to the skyrocketing costs of anvils, no one wanted to risk blowing a horseshoe to get to the store to buy scalp moisturizing shampoo and conditioner. 

- Horse shoes of course all being what we all wore for shoes at the time after I started a trend after seeing a construction worker step on a nail and then get LOTS of attention from his co-workers, which seemed fun. 

Well anyway, i'm sure you ALL remember the Great Dandruffing Of '00. It was awesome. EVERYONE had scalp dermatitis induced dandruff, so no CARED about having scalp dermatitis induced dandruff. We all went sledding down mountains of freshly dropped dandruff. We sunbaked by the shore on dandruff beaches that seemed to stretch to the horizon, and as night approached we snuggled our sweeties buried in the dandruff to keep warm while watching the sunset. We raked dandruff into neat piles on our front lawns and then yelled at suburban kids to stop playing in it, knowing full well as soon as they disappeared we'd dive face first into it ourselves. We practiced our gymnastic tumbles fearlessly knowing we were landing in soft dandruff pits. At Italian restaurants we didn't need be asked if we'd like a sprinkling of parmesan, because our whole meals looked like a sprinkling of parmesan. I even heard that three scientists used dandruff samples to invent a more absorbent paper towel, which has probably saved tens of millions of trees, but is also super gross, people sometimes use paper towels to clean up spilled yogurt, yuck, do you know how gross and gooey yogurt is? Ewwwww. I blame scientists. Dicks. 

And it was while I sat at the top of the dandruff castle I'd built, that I was watching the foreman deal with the man who had stepped on the nail, and the hordes of fellow construction workers yelling 'he's gone for' and then trying to steal his packed lunch, and it was then that I realized exactly what you needed to be a good foreman - BIG forearms. And you needed them when you needed them, which in some cases was to push seventeen manly men to the ground and grab that Chicken, Tripe and Peach Relish on Sourdough for yourself, which for him was NOW! 

Yep I had all the knowledge I needed to be a great foreman. Which meant I had all I needed to make this a great Icelandic restaurant NOW, and you are damn sure I was ready to make this a BIG win. 

*Not long to go.

*Something I know due to the invention of time*.

*Which was invented by a team of scientists sick of their wives complaining they were late home from being shrunk and inserted inside laser shooting machines so that the lasers look really big and therefore way cool , so I won't hear* ANYONE say a bad word about scientists, knock it off, you dicks! 

*Mostly because I can't hear well, as I tend to have my ears full of balled up tissues* so I don't have to hear scientists go on and on about how way cool giant lasers are, annoying dicks. 

*Tissues being another great invention, invented by SCIENTISTS!*

*I really do love those guys. 

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