Monday, August 29, 2016

Breathe this in

I know what you're thinking:

'Life's great, I have lots of great things going for me, my relationships with people I care about are great, my career is great, I'm great at both chess and telling which fly caught on a spider web will be eaten first, I've got great lats, I drank a great latte recently, and when I let him my Latin mate Lettie let's me like leftie leaning lightning strike lesions on lascivious lions, I've got great gumption, the word 'great' is great, and I'm great at using it to lie about things being great when occasionally those things are only good, or possibly even so bad I just don't want to talk about them, yep, life's great, really great, except for one single thing - the fact that I'm pretty sure I have lungs - but how can I possibly know COMPLETELY for SURE that I have lungs?' 

Well people, as usual I'm here to help.  
Your current doubt is completely normal, as in fact it's actually impossible to know for SURE whether you have lungs or not, but there are numerous signs which can help you get as close as possible to figuring it out. And because I'm generous, sometimes even greatly generous, I'm going to share right now with you some signs to look out for that you do in fact have lungs:

- You can breath.
- You're currently a lesbian, or a gay man, or a heterosexual, possibly even a male or female or other, or even some kind of human.
- Or even some sort of mammal or possibly a reptile or bird, depending on whether you believe in science and what not. 
- You've never had a heart and lung transplant where the surgeon put in the new heart but then got lazy when it came to the lungs and was all like 'just throw in a couple of Coke cans and let's hit the bar', which is fair enough, I mean who hasn't gotten lazy at work? 
- You've also never had a surgeon successfully give you a new heart but then stick Pepsi cans in your body instead of lungs, laziness isn't brand specific people! 
- You don't live underwater.
- Or if you do, you live in an underwater palace with great air-conditioning.
- Or you live underwater without any palace, but bizarrely you can't seem to stop sucking on that really long straw that's pointing upwards.
- Or you live underwater, without a palace or a straw, but before you went down there you made sure to fill an owl up with lots of air and now suck on his beak lots. 
- When you smoke people say stuff to you like 'aren't you worried about your lungs?' 
- You're not from some kind of weird planet where people have cellos instead of lungs - do we have any of those people here? 
- Oh sure, deny you're one of those people if you damn well want to, but I'll catch you next time we run a marathon and you can't get up hills without your bow! 
- By the way I can get you wedding gigs if you need money.
- Ha, that was a trap, you need VIOLIN lungs to get wedding gigs! 
- Your name is Stephanie - in my experience most people named Stephanie have lungs.
- When you were a baby and cried a lot some dude went 'man that kids got some lungs'. 
- When someone asks you 'do you have lungs' you answer 'yes'. 
- You're not a liar. 
- At least not when lungs are involved. 
- Or you live underwater, without a palace or a straw, but before you went down there you made sure to get an owl to fill ITSELF up with air, and you were so impressed with its ability to follow directions you now breath by mouth kissing blow fish. 

So how'd you do? Do you have lungs?

If so, congratulations, you can breathe easy now, ha ha, but seriously, it's hard being lungless, so congratulations. 

If not, my commiserations, but worry not, I was serious before, if you have violins instead I can totally get you wedding gigs, or if it's Pepsi or Coke cans you can always sell them
to thirsty people at marathons.

Wow, happy endings for all. Except people with cellos for lungs. And blow fish. Poor guys get mouth kissed and then fed to underwater owls! 

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