Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Thirty one - Horse Foot Dice

With action on my brilliant plan now officially begun in an official sense, things were beginning to look very fortunate for me, officially. Of course by fortunate I meant unfortunate, and by unfortunate I meant unfortunately for those who wanted me to be unlucky in luck, and by luck I meant fortune, and by unlucky I meant unfortunately, and in this case unfortunately in the fortunate sense, officially. 

It gave me time to take stock. Something I didn't feel bad about at all, we were changing this restaurant to all Icelandic, and so there was no longer going to be any need for anything in the 'fresh produce', 'refrigeration' or 'petty cash' stock. If I didn't eat all that cash then it would just go to waste. 

And as I sat down to eat it, I began to take stock, this time in a not very selfless way, but instead in an extremely selfless way, by taking stock of my own mind. 

'I've got many things to be fortunate about' I stocked to myself. I stocked it so hard that I could feel it whip against the inside of my skull. 'But I've also got an equal amount of things to feel unfortunate about' I added to my thought stock, this time stocking it so hard that the whipping against the inside of my skull knocked me over, and caused me to cough up a printed zero from a one hundred dollar note. But was it the first zero or the second? I had no way of telling. And this made me sad. 'I need to take stock!' I screamed at my brain, and it needs to be BIG stock and I need to stock it NOW!' This last word, that is the word 'NOW' was stocked so BIG that it knocked me back to my feet, which made me light headed, which reminded me that my stomach was bleeding from my earlier fight - clearly fate wanted me to write a list of all my fortunate and unfortunate things, and write them in blood on the floor. The list came out as follows: 

Fortunate: The guy I pay to thicken my baths with wood-chips has given me a fifty percent discount since I no longer have access to my bath.  

Unfortunate: He now uses Pine wood, ewwww. 

Fortunate: Not one pen has ever DEMAND I stab myself in the eye with it, it's usually a polite request at best.

Unfortunate: I'm too polite to ever turn down a polite request.

Fortunate: I'm the one that convinced FRESH air that it would be WAY sexier if it would at least TRY wearing the bandana I gave it for Christmas. 

Unfortunate: FRESH air NOW seems to let just about ANYONE taste her. Hussy.

Fortunate: I'm the one who came up with the theory that if we painted the pyramids fluorescent orange they might finally reveal themselves to shoot lasers. 

Unfortunate: The Egyptian government for some reason won't lend me the people who built the pyramids to carry me around all the time, so I still have to walk! 

Fortunate: I'm the one who introduced the law making it illegal in some counties to not start every sentence with 'I'm the one'. 

Unfortunate: That's made dobbing your friend Kev in for murders they didn't commit just for fun, way less funny. 

Fortunate: Due to my best friend Kev being an amateur professional Botanist I've been lucky enough to wake up at various times surrounded by almost every variety of orchid.

Unfortunate: I'm almost deathly allergenic to orchids. 

Fortunate: But I've got to hand it to Kev, he keeps trying to find one I'm not allergic to. He often even tries the very day after I've whipped him or played a funny joke with him in mind. That's the kind of give and take that makes our friendship work. 

Unfortunate: I don't get the chance to whip him while I'm in the emergency room begging for another life saving anaphylactic shot. 

Fortunate: He's often there mumbling 'Kev, if you're just going to drive him to the hospital why even damn bother' and when he mumbles he reminds me of a sick hyena, ha ha, you're not laughing now are you, you dicks!!!

Unfortunate: I miss the laughter.

Fortunate: Most of the times I've been on fire it's been my choice to be that way.

Unfortunate: I had a weird 'I wonder what my genitals would feel like on fire' phase of life in my thirties. And twenties. And from ages two to four. Although in my defense I didn't know the word 'genitals' for half that time. Surprisingly the second half.

Fortunate: I knew just how to inspire a foreman to get this job done NOW, and with BIG success.

Unfortunate: I was my own Forman. 

Fortunate: I'm ace.

Unfortunate: Being ace doesn't make you a good foreman.

Fortunate: But I knew just how to develop the skill of being a great foreman. And I was going to have to remember this skill big and now. 

Unfortunate: For some bizarre reason I was beginning to feel a tad light in the blood department, and my personal blood department is my body, and that was the exact body I needed to remember the skills of being a great foreman. 

This was a potential hazard, I was going to have to react, and react HARD and IMMEDIATELY! 

*The future* is near 

*And by 'future' I mean the next bit of this story, which actually happened in the past.

*Speaking of the future I was once politely requested to stop licking an axe while sitting in a school yard, and that's why YOUR kids school doesn't have any warm burning fireplaces going at the moment (unless they're in Iceland and therefore burning whale bone). So I say make sure your kid knows what 'genital' means NOW, and in a BIG way, depending on the facts at hand, or else there may be a fire coming soon for your kid, and by 'soon' I mean in 'the future'*! 

*Not that they'll light their genitals on fire, just that if they don't know that word they may end up dumb and forced to be an arson for a living. 

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