Expressions of one's feelings

I'm cold. Yes. Right now. This is crazy. There's all sorts of horrible truths involved here. Such as:
- I may have to get off my fat ass and put on some long pants. 
- Or possibly even some form of top half of the body covering. 
- Or possibly even both! 
- And/ or potentially have to close my balcony door. 

Obviously those are all tragic ordeals the likes of which I haven't had to face since forever, like as far back as yesterday. Truly horrific. But shockingly I'm not even at this stories worst part. Here's where things get overwhelmingly abhorrent: 

All the popular sayings commonly used to announce an expression of ones feelings about the current temperature being at a lower number than one would personally like it to be in relation to comfort and warmth as expressed with some form of metaphor totally fucking suck!! 

I'm freezing my balls off? 
Colder than a witches tit? 
So cold I'd eat you grandmothers dick if it had Tabasco on it? 

All hugely popular sayings. All hugely inadequate if you ask me? Particularly the rude bits, language like 'had', 'off' 'than', it just fucks me off. 

But fear not, as your hero I will of course solve this problem, presenting now new, safe, fun, awesome, flawless, brilliant, better than a red moon hiding behind a playground that's full of candy, but not in a creepy way at all, I mean focus more on the red moon, that's the important thing here, rudeless, happy, creative sayings you can use to let people know how you feel about the current temperatures being colder than you'd like it them to be, should you ever find yourself in such a situation: 

- 'It's colder in here than a bag of coins that have just been removed from a vending machine! A vending machine for drinks. So it was refrigerated. Including the area immediately adjacent to where the coins were kept'. 

Boom, that one is awesome. Just reading it back is giving me goosebumps. Let's do another. 

- 'I'm colder than a room that has just experienced a really awkward moment, like super awkward, such as someone has just said something like 'the catering here is really good but not great' and like a waiter totally overheard. A waiter who works for the caterer. Like painfully awkward like that'.

Wow. That's freezing cold. And we're just warming up. And these are already getting hot. And when we're in a zone this paradoxically awesome then you know we're having fun. Let's do one more. 

- It's colder than an icicle and those are cold AND cool. 

Yep. You're welcome.  

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