Thursday, December 4, 2014

The Best Day of My life Decision – seventeen squeezes of the puke bottle

I fake puked today. Yay.

I have faked many things in my life – interest, concern, misanthropy, measles, control, till I made it, silly putty, drizzle, I even once faked the fact I once faked having the measles, recently actually, really recently. Still the fake puking was way up on my fake list, which is of course a real list about fake things, unless this in itself is a fake fact about an otherwise real thing. Oh fuck; now even I don’t know what to believe.

Wait, here is a fake list – things that I wish could never be taken away from the hands of the most innocent fishmongers who never once protested about the need for greater pay hierarchies to be broken down into smaller offshoots of the forever festival organizers of nihilistic opportunity decoders, I mean they were just walking past man, they didn’t do it!

-       Hens.
-       Stuffed giraffes.
-       Pillow cases.
-       Hand held fans.
-       I mean stuffed TOY giraffes, honestly people.
-       Cluelessness.
-       Measles.
-       Or stuffed real giraffes, I mean this is a fake list, I plainly said so while setting it up, so who gives the fuck what I write here.
-       White Power.
-       Fuck, that last ones gonna get me in trouble isn’t it? It’s a fake list people; it specifically doesn’t mean anything. 
-       I keep reading it back as white ‘powder’ anyway, which I think is proof I am not racially prejudice.
-       The color blue.

Now here is a real list, and remember, in contrast to the last list, this one is lacking even a hint of fakes.

-       Gucci.
-       Helmar the great.
-       Measles.
-       The sound of the inside of a seashell.
-       How some people who have beards would look really different if they didn’t have beards.
-       The stuffing from the inside of a toy giraffe, oozing out of it’s viciously stabbed belly.
-       The color Mozambique.

Now, what do those two lists have in common? It’s obvious isn’t it? At least when you look closely. That’s right, you got it – it’s sometimes a tad difficult to tell real from fake. Well movie making is just like these two lists. In fact some of the things mentioned in these two lists actually show up IN movies! Wow.

You know what? Because today is the best day of my life, and as such I feel a tad awesome, I am going to be generous here, no faking required. Here is a little lesson in movie magic.  

I was acting today, and this meant that I got to stand in my bathroom with a friend, while we took it in turns squeezing the milk carton full of random heavily moistened foodstuff, with the tube coming out of it that was duck taped to my face, trying to make it look like puke was coming out of my face – oh wait, movie magic – the magic is that when you make movies they probably just CGI I this, and if they don’t the fake puke probably doesn’t smell so much like real puke that the smell of it makes it really hard not to really puke, which would be bad for the shot, because real puke doesn’t look anywhere near enough like real puke, so you have to fake it, plus real puking doesn’t feel good.

Yep there you go. Movies don’t seem so mysterious anymore, now do they? Ok, good, now go and get your measles vaccinations people, got knows how many people there are rolling around town claiming that they may have, or may not have had them, which means literally everyone could be contagious!

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