'I've had it' he explained to his surgeon 'everyone has their eyes in the exact same place, well except for the occasional child born from first cousins, but even then it's only like on the other side of the cheek, but where is the originality, where is the risk taking and how do people keep an eye on their butler while he dusts near their precious jewels without awkwardly pointing their heads at them?'
The surgeon was convinced; that he had enough money to afford the surgery that is, and the operation proceeded with minimum fuss. Roger was as happy as Larry with the results, Larry being his pool boy who earned a full time, yearlong wage, even though Roger was still only in the 'thinking of putting in a pool' phase.
Still, despite the success of the operation Roger did discover some problems:
- With no ears on his arms he had to staple on his glasses, then tweeze them out and staple on sunglasses when the sun was out, a rather awkward and frustrating process, particularly annoying during picnics on 'partially cloudy' days.
- He had it put on his stronger left arm, because as he'd thought at the time 'I want strong vision', forgetting that he kept his precious jewels to the right of his sofa, requiring a total remodeling of his jewel/ television room.
- His new facial eye-patch would get sweaty and then stink, meaning everyone thought he was giving them the stink eye.
- He began to have to wear a form of shirt people kept referring to as a 'wife beater' even though he insisted 'I don't have a wife, I have a girlfriend, and while I beat her black and blue five times a week, it's only in chess, on our fancy black and blue colored pieces set, where we switch sides after every game, because we are in a loving, sharing and non-violent household, although she did once fall down the stairs after slipping on a silk neck tie I'd dropped there, on our way to passionately making love, so I guess you could accurately say I once fucked her into the hospital'.
- An eye on the shoulder isn't wired to the brain, so what it sees isn't registered anywhere anyway, rendering it pointless.
'Still, at least I tried something new' Roger thought to himself with pride, as he sipped wine from his peacock skull goblet, through his mouth that was now located on his right butt cheek. Perhaps if he'd put his eye on that arm he'd have noticed that his food and beverages now bypassed his stomach and spilled out a hole behind his right knee, and despite eating and drinking ample quantities of nutrients he starved to death.
His surgeon, having mysteriously come into some money, bought a beach house, AND just lucked into finding a hardworking, honest butler, fresh on the job market, whom she married. Larry is still waiting to see if a pool will be built. He hopes not. He doesn’t know how to take care of a pool.