Monday, December 29, 2014

Stumbling upon The Best Day of my life – Is ‘visceral’ a thing?

Today was one of those days I didn’t have to seek, or dig, or scrounge for best day of my life activities to take place, they simply fortuitously we’re dumped into my metaphorical lap, or if you don’t want the metaphor, just look up a little from my lap, now come on, you can do it, I know it’s nice to look down there, but move them eyes a little higher, nope, keep going, no lingering, hey those are my nipples, they aren’t for you, they are for me and only me, keep going, ok good. Now that your looking into my eyes I can tell you that you can’t see where the good stuff was dumped, because it wasn’t a visual thing, it was hearing, um, what do you call it, oh yeah, audible.

Now I know what you’re thinking ‘nothing good is ever heard because you have to see it to believe it and that’s visual; and the proof is in the pudding and that’s tasteful, and neither of those things are best enjoyed with your ears, except pudding, but only with a very, very special someone’. Well I’m going to prove you wrong. Because I had an exceptional experience that was completely heard. In fact overheard. Yep, I got to eavesdrop onto a female conversation.

Now before you call me a snoop, I should point out that by ‘got to’ I mean ‘was forced to’, because this was on a train, and she was talking very loud, and the train was packed so I could not simply move and give her privacy, so what could I do BUT listen?

Anyway, it turns out that this was a very important phone call.  You see this woman was talking to one of her girlfriends, and it turns out that a mutual girlfriend of theirs was talking to another of her girlfriends, who was not a girlfriend of either of these girlfriends, and this mutual girlfriend was concerned that even though her and her girlfriend who was not a girlfriend of these girlfriends was a good girlfriend, but that their conversation had meandered along in a boring fashion. She was not sure whether or not the conversation was in fact boring or whether she had simply ceased to be stimulated by this girlfriend. So she called her girlfriend, the one on the phone, and reenacted the conversation for her, as word to word perfect as she could remember, to see if in fact the conversation was boring, or whether something else was causing her malaise. Her girlfriend, the one I could hear on the phone now, was not sure if the conversation between her girlfriend and a girlfriend of her girlfriend who was not her girlfriend was boring or not, so she was now calling her girlfriend and reenacting the reenactment of the original conversation in hope that the truth about whether or not the conversation that had taken place earlier, involving neither of the people currently talking, was in fact a boring conversation. It turns out that the very original conversation which had taken place, and may or may not have been boring, was a discussion on whether another mutual girlfriend of the two original conversers, but neither of the current people talking, should or should not have made the recent changes that she had made to her hair. Despite these current two girlfriends now talking seemingly having never met this girlfriend who had changed her hair, they were now breaking down the conversation that had been had about her hair, and debating certain elements of it, such as the tone and seriousness, at least as it had been reenacted to the girlfriend I could now hear talking, beat by beat, to figure out if a. the conversation had been boring and b. where the boredom stemmed from, either their mutual girlfriend, or the girlfriend neither of them knew. After a good twenty plus minutes of discussion they ultimately came to the conclusion that yes, the original conversation had been boring, but no, they could not pinpoint where the boredom originated so they could not give advice to their mutual girlfriend as to whether or not she need to be worried that her girlfriendship with her girlfriend that neither of these girlfriends knew, was a girlfriendship she need be concerned about. There was however no word on whether the haircut had looked cute.

Now I know what your thinking – ‘Hey Dave, yeah sure, awesome conversation to get, nay be forced, to overhear, but surely you have better ways things to get awesomeness from, so how did this make it the best day of your life?’

Well I’ll tell you good folk, because I learned lessons. Lessons such as:

-       I can still get so bored that I start to try and remember my high school economics, so that should it ever come up, and it never has, I will remember how to explain the economic multiplier effect to people, even though I really never want to.
-       Girls are stupid.
-       I can call girls stupid for the way they’ll reenact a reenactment of a boring conversation to each other, right after I have reenacted the reenactment of the reenactment.
-       Hypocrisy sucks.
-       So does eavesdropping.
-       Make sure you have enough battery in your phone to listen to music next time you idiot.
-       I don’t the moniker ‘girlfriend’ to be used when talking about a friend.
-       I don’t know, it’s just unnecessary alright?
-       Today was the best day of my life.
-       You HEARD it here first. See I did it, I proved you wrong about the hearing thing!

-       Yay.

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