Ruining it for all the ladies

Girls, now I know you all hope to one day be swept off your feet by a knight in shining armor, but haven’t you ever wondered just why these knights were so concerned by buffing up their suits all shiny before heading of to see a bunch of men on a battle field?


Lets look at some facts about Knights:


- They were christened ‘sir’ as in servant to the Queen, which was a band headed by a man with a really cool mustache!

- No one ever says ‘my grand daddy was a Knight’

- They rode ‘stallions’ which are like horses but extra manly and yet have waxed pubes.

- They used ‘phallic’ weapons like swords, jousts and cannons when they could so easily of just used magic.

- They used a silent ‘k’ which rhymes with gay, that while now means ‘lame’ used to refer to happiness and joy and Knights spent most of their time joyfully hanging with other men! (Also: That’s right homosexuals you stole the word gay and we’ve stolen it back, deal with it or we’ll take rainbows back too and make them represent people who are fond of digital watches. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the symbology in the short thick ‘hour’ hand being the most powerful, and the long skinny ‘second’ hand being almost irrelevant, for shame).

- They famously used the battle cry ‘whoever cuts off the most heads today gets blown by me tonight, ooh ahhh’ that some people think may for some reason have referenced oral sex (for the record ‘sucking’ is WAY better than ‘blowing’ in that department). Global warming enthusiasts also use this battle cry as evidence that the world was ‘windier’ in the Middle Ages.

- They were enthusiastic of the punishment of being ‘drawn and quartered’ that referred to being sketched naked and having your ‘penis’ sketched quarter size, which back then was something men didn’t want others to think about them, why? Maybe it would mean less guys would want to see their penises? Proving they did want men to look at their penises.

- The fact they were called ‘Knights’ but mostly fought in the day leaving their ‘torches’ for each other.


That’s right, the evidence is all in girls and it is clear, Knights in Shining armor are clearly trying to overcompensate for some sort of body odor problem. Sorry, fantasy ruined.

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